


burn bright...

by queencerseitargaryen



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (okay not slight at all i am trash for lin's work), Doctor!John, Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Lawyer!Alex, M/M, Misgendering, Slight In The Heights references, Slow Build, This is going to be a long one, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-07-12 01:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7077997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queencerseitargaryen/pseuds/queencerseitargaryen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jacqueline Laurens is being sent away from South Carolina after her father thinks she is of an age where she needs to find a life for herself. She is leaving for New York next week, well John Laurens is. </p><p>Alexander lives in Washington Heights on a house share with Sam. Sam has to move out so Alexander needs to find another housemate. Preferably one that will put up with his 3 year old son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. so give me all you've got

Alexander watched the water flow into the glass, it was the same every night. He would head to bed at 1 am after his housemate reminded him to go to bed by snoring loudly. The sound of the water had become relaxing to him, even more so when he heard the rattling and cracking of the pills in his hands. He took two of them, and let them dissolve into the water. Watching as the white powder swirled in the glass and eventually disappeared leaving the liquid as clear as it was a it came out of the dispenser. It was doing the same as what it would do to Alexander’s mind, make it cloudy enough so he could fall asleep properly and have a clear mind in the morning. 

Alexander brushed his teeth, not bothering to be quiet. His current housemate slept like the dead anyway. Alex would be jealous of that, he couldn’t sleep without help. Every time he tried to sleep unaided he would wake up in cold sweats, hating himself more than when he fell asleep. He was 26, and in his short life some would say he had achieved a lot. He had a double major in law and political science, all gained through a scholarship. He had a son, little Philip and while it would never have worked with Eliza, she was his best friend and he could see his son when he wanted. 

Alex always felt so stupid though, he couldn’t even sleep properly and despite his so-called intelligence, he hadn’t landed more than a few simple DUI cases as a lawyer. It was probably his fault for refusing help, if he was going to be a success, he wasn’t going to let it be handed to him. Alexander would just be proving them right, they all said Alex would get everything because of his sob story. He had been taunted for it since he was seventeen; _orphan, immigrant, queer, he only gets anywhere because everyone feels sorry for him. He’s a bastard and his mother was a whore before he made her ill and killed her._

They haunted his dreams, telling him that he would never be good enough. The pills helped, they sent him into an empty sleep where he would fall asleep and then wake up in the morning. Having felt nothing in the few hours he had managed lay down for every night. Without the pills, he had nightmares or memories, sometimes the two mixed together to panic him for the next week. The worst was when he could hear it heavily raining, or the time his nine month old son had the flu. 

He gulped down the water, thinking about how it had started as half a pill every two days to help him sleep. And now it was two a day, plus another if he needed a nap, Alexander knew he had to break the habit. He was addicted and desensitised, for once in his life though Alexander didn't know how to do something. He didn't have a plan, Alexander would just live everyday as it came now. He had stopped caring, the only thing that fuelled him was anger (and coffee). Anger that the world wasn't right, a passion to fix it? Why should Alexander be treated any differently than the straight white male he shared his apartment with, it is because he’s an immigrant, an orphan, because he's Caribbean, he’s bisexual? There were so many options on why you should treat Alexander differently, and Alex felt it his place to fix it. 

Yes he hated himself for what he was, but he wouldn't let other people like him loathe themselves to the point of destruction. That's all Alexander is, destructive. There is no place for destructive people at the end of the day, Alexander would rather tear the world apart to start again rather than work with what he was given. He was a wildfire in need of taming, except no one could tame him. 

Alexander moved to his bed and pushed the blankets around himself. His bed was always a lot warmer when his three year old son was there to warm it with laughter and hugs. For now he rolled around in the cold, trying find the spot that would activate the sleeping pills and make him fall into the dark pit of nothing Alex enjoyed so much. 

* * *

John stood in his bathroom, staring at the tears that threatened to drip down his face in the mirror. It wasn't John crying, it was Jacqueline. John would never exist in this house, if Jacqueline didn't get out of this house, out of this state. John would never exist, John would just fade away as a happy memory of what should have been. 

This wasn't right; the softness of his cheeks, the too high pitch of his cries, the length of the curly hair that touched his waist, the curve in his hips. He clawed at them, as if he could make them disappear. This wasn't his body, it couldn't be. He felt so uncomfortable and vulnerable, John was a boy, not a girl. So why did the world tell him otherwise? Why did his body tell him otherwise?

He wanted a slim body, one to go with his height. No hips, no waist, no breasts. He didn't want to cover himself with his arms every time he took his binder off. John didn't take it off often enough, just to shower. It was expensive, and considering he had bought it with his own money, he wasn't damaging it anytime soon. He slept in it, which he knew wasn't healthy. John did everything with his binder on because it made him feel like an actual human being. 

“Jacqueline, you have five minutes to get downstairs.” Martha called through the door of his bedroom. Time to put on another dress and pretend to be happy about it. John was nearly there, John nearly had enough money to leave He wasn't sure where he was going, but he was leaving and not coming back. 

“Okay Martha, I'll be two minutes.” He said, letting down the guards he had put on his voice. Jacqueline had a southern accent, John didn't have a southern accent. So he moped around his room, instinctively reaching for the basketball shorts and shirt that made him comfortable. Instead he threw them across the room, knocking some expensive perfume from his vanity. 

He picked up a navy sundress from the closet instead and pulled it over his head, frowning at himself in the mirror and letting the tears prick his eyes. “Martha, you still there. I need my dress zipped up.” John called out, slightly opening his bedroom door as an invitation to his sister. He quickly shoved the binder under his bed, while his sister might be the only one who understands, John couldn't have Martha knowing. 

“Of course, I didn't realise you took it off,” Martha entered his room, closing the door behind her and tapping her sister's shoulder. “Oh Jackie, where did our parents go so wrong with me? You're so pretty.” 

John kissed his sister on the cheek and laughed. If she only knew, he didn't feel pretty. He felt horrible and stupid and ugly. “Don't kid yourself Mar, you're what all the boys want. I just have good cheekbones and some freckles.” 

“We've argued about this before, you are beautiful. You're just a heart breaker though, that's what mother always said about you.” 

He smiled and slipped on his sandals, letting Martha pull his too long hair from its ponytail and letting the curls tickle his back. The feeling made John squirm, they felt as if tendrils were touching him. While he didn't think that boys shouldn't have long hair if they wanted to, there was something so feminine and delicate about it. John didn't want that, John wanted nothing stereo typically feminine in his life. 

Maybe John would make a beautiful girl, if that’s what he wanted to be. Even since he was small being referred to as ‘she’ and having everyone call him Jacqueline sent off alarm bells in his head. It made him want to run away, from the people who had forced him to be a girl. Couldn’t they see there wasn’t a feminine thing about him? 

***

“Jacqueline, I expect to see you down here in 10 minutes after your brothers have put the plates away.” Henry Laurens said across the table, passing his plate to the youngest man in the Laurens family, Jemmy. 

John wasn't stupid, he was 25 years old and he had returned home after college instead of getting a job. He knew his father would fund him, but John had a feeling that was ending soon. He had defied his father in doing medicine instead of law and now he was going to be carted away to a city worse than South Carolina where his father would know everything he does before he does it. 

Ten minutes later, John followed his father to the study, closing the door behind them. This was a cold room, one that John had never enjoyed being in and since coming back three months ago. He had made an effort not to even look at the tall oak door that separated Henry Laurens from the rest of the world. 

“Jackie, I have been nothing but kind to you since you returned home. However, I think it is time for you depart us,” Henry placed his hand on his daughter’s shoulder, “You so desperately want to defy me and become a doctor. It is time you leave and do that. I would support you if you wanted to be a lawyer."

“Father, I understand where you are coming from but I came to see Martha graduate college. I am leaving after that."

"No Jacqueline, you are leaving now. Pick a city, I will fly you there and make sure at least have a chance at being successful. I am not having my eldest child unemployed," Henry was staring through John now, he was once again more concerned with his own reputation for than caring about his children, "You are responsible for getting the job, and making your own income. You will have to find somewhere to live, I will support you for three months Jacqueline. No more."

"Okay father." John's mind was racing with the possibilities of where to go. Southern states were already out of the question, if his father wasn't going support him though. His father wouldn't care, or watch him. He could finally be himself. 

"New York. I went to college there. I have friends there and there are a million hospitals always looking for more graduate doctors." Henry Laurens looked at his daughter with a strange questioning look. John then realised he had changed his voice back to his real voice, not the high pitched southern drawl Jacqueline used. 

"A good choice, you shouldn't struggle in New York. Especially if you say you have friends there," Henry disregarded the fact his daughter had just sounded like a man, "You will fly out to JFK Airport in a week. Now you will go upstairs and tell your siblings you are leaving, and I suggest you start looking for apartments." Henry took his daughter by the arm and guided her out of the room, going to shut the door behind her. 

"Thank you dad." John smiled and kissed his father's cheek. Running up the stairs and letting tears roll down his face. 

* * *

"Alex, how much notice do I have to give you if I want to leave?" His housemate shouted from the kitchen. Alex's housemate Sam would bring this topic up every other week. Alexander would always tell him the same thing. 

"None, you could leave tomorrow but you still have to pay the rest of the months rent." Alexander shouted back. He was texting back and forth with Burr about a case they had to collaborate on. Unfortunately for Alexander, Burr was the lawyer at the front of it all. Alexander wasn't allowed in the courtroom due to the fact they were opposing Thomas Jefferson. Alex had punched Thomas once, due to a personal attack on Alexander's past. 

"Well turns out my girlfriend is pregnant, she's four months along. So I'm leaving to go live with her," Sam said passing a bowl of chips to Alex as he walked in the room, "Didn't expect to have to move so suddenly when she told me she was pregnant last week, but she found a place downtown, out of the heights." 

"How soon are you moving?" Alex grabbed his laptop from the table, he was going to work on a piece he was writing for the New York Times. Yes it was a piece no one would read because it was about politics, but they were still paying him a good fee for his writing services. Being a lawyer paid the bills and provided for Phillip, but if Alex wasn't a freelance journalist he wouldn't be about to afford his coffee habit. Or the rather expensive spices he had become accustomed to cooking with because they reminded him of his mother. 

"I'll stay until the end of the month unless you replace me straight away. But not until next week at the earliest, she won't get the keys until Friday anyway." Then Sam started to drag on about his girlfriend and how lucky he felt because be was going to be a dad, and how much fun it was going to be. Alexander was evaluating Sam in his head though, and he come to the conclusion that even though Sam would try ever so hard. He'd never be that good of a father, but maybe that just stemmed from the fact that Philip didn't like Sam in the slightest.

“Okay. If you stay a second past the end of the month. I’ll charge you for next month,” Alexander stated, he couldn't really afford to live alone but it's not like him and Sam were friends and they didn't like each other another for Alex to ask him to stay, “I’ll out your vacancy up online now actually.”

“Understandable.”

So Alexander opened a new document on his laptop and began to write a listing for Sam’s room. 

_Bedroom available in Washington Heights:_

_All facilities are shared with myself. Available bedroom is large and furnished. It is currently painted pale blue, but can be changed. Close links to the A-Train for trains into Central Manhattan and Brooklyn._

_Current occupant is 26 year old male, who often works from home as a Lawyer and Journalist. Possible occupants must be comfortable with children as occupant has a 3 year old son who sleeps at the house every other weekend (could be subject to change)._

_Rent is 400$ / month_

_If interested please contact Alexander Hamilton at a.hamnyclaw@gmail.com or call 212-485-2484_

Sam was barely out of the room by the time Alexander had published it to every site he knew of for housing in New York. He had changed his mind, he was glad to be rid of Samuel Seabury. It was because him that Alexander couldn't have Philip around more often, that would change without Sam around. He just hoped his new housemate wouldn't be as insufferable, maybe someone he could actually be friends with. Eliza was always telling him he needed more friends, that he needed to get out of the house more. 

Alexander would be careful about who he let live here this time and he couldn't be so open about himself when they got here. The only thing worse than Sam would be Jefferson, and Alex would never let that happen. 

A few hours later he looked at the advert again. To no avail, but he stopped himself from worrying. He had almost 3 weeks until he was resigned to breaking the bank to pay the full rent on this household.


	2. i can take it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander runs after Eliza. John sparks a revelation and makes plans to get out this place.

John had slammed the door to his bedroom an hour ago, he was still pressed against it so none of his family could force their way into his room. He had heard Martha’s pleas outside a few times. ‘Jackie, let me in. Dad has obviously said something to you.’

He was still crying, he didn't understand why though. He was a grown man, a grown twenty-five year old man who should be rejoicing in the fact that his father. A man who had caused him nothing since pain since his mother had died, a man who would ruin him if he found out that John was indeed, well John and not his precious eldest daughter was sending him away. He should be happy he finally had a reason to get away and be himself. No one in New York had to know Jacqueline Laurens ever existed, no one would know. 

John was crying because he loved his sisters, Martha and Mary and his brothers, Junior and Jemmy. He wished he could have been a brother to Junior and Jemmy, he had never been very good a playing house and braiding his sister's hair as a child. He had always been better at playing soccer and getting muddy with his brothers. His father had always scaled him for it, telling him that _you're a young lady, Jacqueline. You can't be getting dirty and pretending to be a boy._ He had been thirteen when his father had started hurting him with words. John would run back to his room and scream into his pillow, he would rip the skirts from his closet and throw them on floor. It had been two years later when it had clicked, well when he found the label for what he felt. 

He got up and tied his hair up, trying to rip the blue dress from his body before he realized he needed to unzip it. So he twisted his arm around to his back and roughly pulled the zip, along with the entire fabric off his body. He didn’t bother to look in the mirror, he could already feel the weight of the body he hated pressing down on him. He grabbed his binder from the floor and put it on without thinking and despite the constriction on his chest he could finally breathe. John took deep breaths, letting his lungs fill and drying the tears around his eyes. John felt a little more human, being able to look down and see a flat chest, he felt like he might deserve something happy. He was going to tell Martha, not just about the fact he was leaving. He was going to have to tell Martha everything. 

So John pulled on a shirt and some jeans and then carefully walked down the hallway to Martha’s room. He lightly pressed his knuckles on the wood, “Martha, can I come in please. I didn’t mean to ignore you before. I just -” John was cut off by nearly falling into his sister’s room, she opened the door quickly and shoved John into her room. 

“What’s going on with you Jackie? You’ve been like this since college. What happened to my happy sister, she went to college and didn’t come back!” John could see the anger, tell by her voice she was trying not to raise it beyond the whisper it was. Martha was right, John was different and if she would just give him two minutes. 

“Martha sit down. I don’t want to get angry, but don’t call me your sister. I’m not your sister, I’m no one’s fucking sister,” John was waving his hand around, trying not to shout. This house has thin walls and his father could hear everything, “I’m never going to be your sister. I went to college and I realized I wasn’t going to be confined to what I was given.” 

Martha was confused, she sat herself on the bed across from John. “Martha, you know how when we were kids I’d always go and play with Junior and Jemmy instead of you. You used to think it was because I didn’t love you?” John ran a hand through his hair, his hair - he was going to get it all cut off when he got to New York. He’ll walk into the first salon outside the airport and tell them to shave it off if he had to. Martha just nodded along though, of she didn’t understand. John hadn’t expected to find anyone who would understand. 

“I do love you Martha, you know that. I’m not your sister, I’m your brother. I know this makes no sense to you at all, but just hear me out and don’t get angry,” John reached over and grabbed his sister’s hand, mostly for his own sake, to stop them from flying around and hurting her, “I’m a boy. I know I was born a girl, yes I have boobs and a vagina, but I’m a boy. I don’t know how to explain it, I just am.” 

John looked at his sister with hopeful eyes, she could do one of two things. Run and tell their father, or pat his back and pretend to understand. John prayed to any sort higher presence for the latter, because he was already distraught enough to be losing his family for the time he was in New York, he couldn’t lose them forever. 

“Martha? Anything please, I know it’s a lot, but can you just say something.” John would normally be getting angry by now, but he was suppressing the fire sparking up in his gut by holding his breath, depriving it of oxygen. 

“Jack? What do you want me to call you? I don’t want to ramble, but it makes more sense now. I always wanted a big brother, little did I know I always had one,” Martha reached up to her her brother, _her big brother_ , is this why father needed to talk to him? “Is this why dad took you aside after dinner?”

“John, my name is John, but I like Jack. Keeping me close to my childhood without being reminded I was forced to be a girl. No Dad’s sending me away, anywhere I want to go. He wants me to get a job and stop relying on him.” John hugged her, a huge grin on his face because his sister didn’t hate him, she didn’t think he was a disgrace, a freak of nature. 

“Where are you going John?” Martha asked, the named slipped off her tongue more easily than Jacqueline ever had. 

“New York. I can be John in New York,” John untangled himself from his sister, “Now go and get everyone else, I’m supposed to be telling you all I’m leaving.”

* * *

Alexander groaned into his pillow, he had been woken up by Burr calling him and now he had to call Burr back. So he pressed the call button and let it ring. 

“Aaron Burr, sir. What do you want?” Alexander whined, he hadn’t slept well. He had gotten to the medicine cabinet last night to find he only had one pill left. So he took that and tried to sleep, not successfully though. He had been up and down all night, dreams waking him up all night. He wasn’t used to dreaming, not even happy dreams. 

“You need to come to the courthouse today. No Jefferson won’t be there, he’s left it to Madison. You’re the best shot at winning the case Alex.” Aaron sighed over the phone, Jefferson must be putting up a fight for his client if Alexander had to come and defend their own client. 

“I’ll be there in two hours, I need to speak to Eliza first.” Alexander wasn’t lying, he was going to tell Eliza that Sam was moving out and that he’d be more careful with his next housemate. Maybe even offer the room to Eliza if she complains about Angelica again. They had said they wouldn’t ever live together again, they didn’t want to confuse Philip. His parents weren’t together they never would be, the conception of Philip was a textbook error of feelings on their behalf. Eliza was his best friend though, they did love each other, just not in the way they thought they had when Philip had happened. 

So Alexander pulled his business suit on. Hercules Mulligan would be screaming if he found out it hadn’t been ironed, but Alexander didn’t have time for that. He was already pushing two hours after he ran his errands, including coffee, Eliza and telling the renter of the change in occupants. Speaking of which he quickly checked his e-mails. No one had gotten back to him, sure there had been some interest in his advert, but not enough for anyone to actually enquire. No one wants to live in the Heights these days, everyone wants to live in the suburbs of Brooklyn. He would probably end up living with some student because the rent was so cheap for New York. 

Then he walked to the train station, the cool spring breeze blowing against his face providing relief from the hot stuffiness of the layer of his suit. He jumped on the subway to Harlem to see if he could catch Eliza before she drove off to work. 

Alexander just made it, he was running up the road shouting of Eliza as she was buckling Philip into the car. “Liza!” Alex shouted, slightly breathless from the exercise, which he was quite embarrassed by, he’s still fairly young. He should be able to run a block without wanting to have an asthma attack. 

“Alexander? What do you need?” 

“I was on my way to work and I just had some news, it’s not really that important but I was passing and I thought I tell you, sorry. I should probably just let you get to work.” Alexander started, trying to take deep breaths in between his non-stop words. Eliza put her hand on his solider and Philip started bouncing around in his car seat. 

“Sorry, it’s just Sam is moving out. I don’t know how he’s going to raise a child with his girlfriend, but he’s leaving. I’ve already put an advert up online, I’ll make the right choice for Philip this time okay? I’m not having another Sam around.” Alex smiled and walked over to his son, he let Philip hold his finger and play with it. 

“Papa! What are you doing here?” Philip asked, for three years old he was clever, unlike most children his age he didn’t stumble over simple words. Eliza said he was like his father, he would be a master wordsmith someday. 

“Hey, kid. I came to see your mom because Sammy’s going away forever and I need a new friend to live with me.” Alex moved the curls off Philip’s face and tucked them behind his tiny ears. Philip smiled at the mention of Sam leaving forever, he had never been kind to Philip. 

“Oh that’s good. Don’t over think it though, anyone who isn’t Sam is fine. Maybe Philip can stay with you more often though. I’m sure he’d love that.” Eliza smiled back at her son, who was giggling as Alex made faces at him, “Now get in, I’ll drop you at the coffee shop, and then the courthouse Alex.”

Maybe Sam’s departure wouldn’t be too bad, yes Alexander would have to be civil with yet another person, but having Philip around was happy. Phil was the reason he hadn’t thrown himself from the top of the courthouse yet and the reason he had managed to crack a smile in the past three years. Nothing else went his way or agreed with him, Alex had just been a living shell before Philip. A shell with nothing but a fire burning bright inside of him, full of anger and hate. Philip hadn’t changed that, but the fire had become a bit more driven. Alexander hadn’t been as bothered about changing the world until Philip was born, but he couldn’t let his son grow up in this mess where he’d be discriminated against and hated just for the fact his skin was a shade too dark. 

“Thanks Eliza,” Alex leaned over and kissed her cheek, “I’m glad he’s going, I want to see Phil grow up. Properly. If I could afford it I would just live alone, but even eight-hundred dollars a month is steep for me.”

* * *

The next day John was sitting in the family room. Laughing as Jemmy and Mary teased each other, he was trying to look for somewhere to live in New York but his siblings kept tugging at his trousers asking him to come play. It had broke his heart telling them that he was leaving, Mary had cried and shouted at dad. Jemmy had held her back to stop her from getting in trouble. Junior and Martha had been more mature than John about it, they had spent the rest of the evening help John to find boxes for his possessions. Junior had started to help him pack his clothes, Martha stifling giggles and sarcastically rolling her eyes at John as Junior suggested which ones would look best on his sisters. John just smiled at her behind Junior's back and when he went to get them all a drink John whispered ‘put the ones you like in that box, you can keep them for all I care.’ Martha had smiled, with a twinkle in her eye. John didn’t want to wear dresses, but he had always had an eye for what looked good. If he wasn’t going to lie about his gender, he might as well look incredible doing it.  
This is what he was going to miss, mindlessly laughing at his siblings, with his siblings. He wished he could tell them all that he was their big brother, but Jemmy was trained to report everything to their father. So John would wait. Despite the fact he was leaving he had never felt so happy, he was happy at the prospect of finally being able to be himself. To live free, no expectations to pin him down.

“Guys, I still have all week to play with you,” John said, batting his little sister away and standing up. It’s not that he didn’t love them, but they were stubborn and persistent, “I gotta go find a new apartment, unless dad’s gonna kill me.” Another thing he would love to leave behind is his voice, he hated the way that the southern accent sounded from his mouth, hated the way it stuck in his throat. 

John shut his laptop and headed to his bedroom, it was beginning to look bare. He had began to take the posters and photographs off the wall so he could take them with him. His entire life was in this room, and even though it was the life of a little girl and now he was a grown man. He wanted to leave all the photographs behind, he had thought about it. There were memories of his mother in those photographs, and even though seeing himself as a girl gave him a sick feeling and sent his brain reeling into emotions he didn’t want to feel. It brought him safety seeing his mother, smiling and laughing. Not like his last memory of her which John had never been able to erase, she had been lying in pain crying for help and all John had been able to was hold her hand. He was the only one who had been allowed to see her, his other siblings were too young, too impressionable, it would have broke them like it broke John. 

John flopped down onto the bed, taking in the empty walls and beginning to scroll through a website with New York housing vacancies. They were all too expensive or the occupants too old, preferably John would like to live alone. He wouldn’t be able to afford that until he got a job however. Then an advert caught his eye, a house in the heights with a guy called Alexander Hamilton. It was cheap enough for Manhattan, and he was sure he could deal with a three year old every other weekend, and if this Alexander had a son, he might be able to make some extra money babysitting. 

He tried scrolling past it, but nothing better was showing up. He looked at the time _22:56_ , John couldn’t call Alexander Hamilton now. He didn’t want to call him, he would screw up on the phone let his gender slide, make it so Alexander Hamilton wouldn’t have him in his house. John could spend hours editing an email though. 

_Dear Alexander Hamilton,_

_I’m Jacqueline-_

John stopped there, his fingers had automatically ghosted over they keys that lead to writing Jacqueline. That wasn’t going to be his name though, so he slammed on the backspace key and started again.

_Mr. Hamilton,_

_My name is John Laurens, I saw your advert for a house share in Washington Heights of Manhattan. I am a medical school graduate of Columbia college who is returning to New York from South Carolina. I was hoping to get more information on the room you are offering. I am currently unemployed but come September (at the latest), I will be working as a post-graduate junior doctor. Despite this I will be able to pay rent. I am leaving for the city in a week, I apologize if this is short notice. Please get back to me._

_Sincerely,_

_J. Laurens._

_P.S - I will happily provide any credit and social information you need._

John added the note as the end because if Alexander was to go digging into John Laurens, he would find that John Laurens didn’t exist. If Alexander said he was a lawyer, that would surely raise suspicions. John would be able to provide correct credit ratings and anything Alexander might need, but just edited slightly so they read John Laurens - Male, not Jacqueline Laurens - Female. This house in the heights might be his only chance at not being homeless in New York. He wasn’t letting it slip past because a mistake in his body. So what if this was a little illegal, he wasn’t tampering with any of the important information.

John reluctantly sent send on the email and then set his computer on the floor, finally letting his head hit the pillow. He fell asleep dreaming of New York and the possibility of living with a handsome man called Alexander Hamilton, how melodic and perfectly the name rolled from his tongue as he said it in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't have any idea what i'm doing with this aha, but please continue to read and leave comments because i have a small plan for this (maybe? i'll probably change it about ten times)


	3. we walked alone in your city lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander has a moment of weakness at work and John's plans change quickly.

"My client is innocent, on what basis can you accuse him? You have no evidence!” Alex shouted at the judge, slamming the binder of ‘evidence’ on the table. 

“This hearing is adjourned, we will reconvene tomorrow. Mr Burr, I suggest that Mr Hamilton only joins us in his writing from now on.” The judge said, staring at Alexander with despair in his eye. Alexander wasn’t going to be treated like that, he wasn’t even thinking as he walked over to Jefferson. They had been in court for four hours, that was all it had taken for Alexander to be kicked out. 

“You’re corrupt. So fucking corrupt, my client is completely innocent and you know he is!” Alexander was shouting at Jefferson now, giving him exactly what he wanted from Alexander. Retaliation. Alex wasn’t giving up, if it was a personal attack he would have walked away, words didn’t hurt him anymore. He hated how Thomas would do anything for money, he had clearly been paid off for this case. They had no evidence for weeks, on either side of the case. All off a sudden, all of this incriminating evidence had appears. Alexander wasn’t stupid, not the best lawyer in the room either, (that was Burr, though he hated to admit it) but he wasn’t letting himself loose this case. The case that could make his career if he won. His defendant pleaded not guilty, so Alexander had to prove him not guilty.  
“Thomas, I will prove this evidence is contrived. I will prove that you are corrupt, and if you’re lucky they’ll still let you practice family law at the city hall.” Alexander threatened, while he was never one to go back on his threats, he didn’t know how he was going to carry out this threat without becoming as bad as Jefferson. 

Aaron grabbed Alexander by the shoulder and guided him from the room, “What the hell Alexander?! I know he’s corrupt but really?” Alexander was about to snap at Burr, he was so neutral on everything. How can he not be forthcoming on any particular stances, this was Jefferson they were talking about! Alex knew that being undecided what what made him an incredible lawyer, he would mold his opinions to those needed for the case. He can change in the snap of fingers, become what the client needs to win. Yes Alex was brash, abrasive and would fight, his fire drove him to winning the case. Burr was succinct, persuasive - Alexander’s defendants got acquitted, Burr’s defendants won. 

“Alexander, you are so close to not being a lawyer anymore. One more argument in court, with anyone and you’re out. No one will hire you because all you do it cause arguments and delay the proceedings. Go home, if I need your help - I’ll call you. Until then, you're off until we're not being opposed by Jefferson. Goodbye Alexander.” Aaron walked away from Alexander, pressing the ‘evidence’ to his chest and going to apologise for Alexander’s behaviour. 

Alexander was just trying to do his job, he was trying so hard to be a good lawyer without loosing himself. He didn't want to lose his personality all in the sake of winning some cases, his brain was all he had aside from his son. He wasn't going to lose that because Burr told him to _Talk less and smile more_. Alexander could never be as insufferably neutral and inept as Burr. Burr just wanted to please people, Alexander had stopped caring many years ago.

So Alexander began to walk home, it was only 2pm. So he had plenty of time to just walk all the way home, grab some food and coffee on the way home. His temper was fuming, if it was possible he was pretty sure he'd be steaming out of his ears like a cartoon character. He felt misery for the strangers seeing his angry face passing them in the streets. Alexander wanted to scream at everyone who stared for a second too long, he wanted to take them down with his words. Show the world what he was good at, change the world, cause a revolution if he had to. He would write his way out of anything, and he was going to write his way out of this too. 

He stomped into his house, he kicked the door closed and his shoes off along with it. Alexander slammed up the stairs, loud enough they could hear him across the Hudson. Alexander didn’t care though, let them hear. Let them hear the injustice Alexander felt. Alexander couldn’t be angry forever, he had to subdue his anger and extinguisher the fire that threatened to fill his every cell. He had to write, if he wrote it all down he would feel better. Alexander couldn’t write his feelings, he had to write for the New York Times now. 

Alexander was going to start taking journalism seriously, he had to if he was on his last warning as a lawyer. Being a lawyer was what was going to help him change the world, he could do what was right by being a lawyer, help those who have been wronged like himself. _Writing_ , writing was what he loved, he could write for hours and not even notice a second had passed. Alexander would lose himself in words, sometimes he would write nothing important, he always just had the same thing to show for it though - ink smudged up the side of his hand and another full journal.

Alexander had just handed in another piece into the New York Times for approval today, so he opened his emails. Looking for feedback from the editors, but instead he found something much better.

_To: Alexander Hamilton (a.hamnyclaw@gmail.com)_

_From: J Laurens (drjlaurens@gmail.com)_

_Mr. Hamilton,_

_My name is John Laurens, I saw your advert for a house share in Washington Heights of Manhattan. I am a medical school graduate of Columbia college who is returning to New York from South Carolina. I was hoping to get more information on the room you are offering. I am currently unemployed but come September (at the latest), I will be working as a post-graduate junior doctor. Despite this I will be able to pay rent. I am leaving for the city in a week, I apologize if this is short notice. Please get back to me._

_Sincerely,_

_J. Laurens._

_P.S - I will happily provide any credit and social information you need._

Alexander was suspicious at the endnote, no one offered to provide their credit information. It was something that people just went looking for. Either way, Alexander wasn’t bothered. If this John Laurens says he can pay, he must be able to. Before he gave a response though Alexander would do some research, he couldn’t have a repeat of Sam. He was a lawyer, he had the resources to make sure this was the man he wanted around his son. 

An hour later, Alexander had found nothing. Not in the way that John Laurens was the cleanest man he'd ever know. In the way that John Laurens didn't exist. Not in social security, not in credit, Alexander couldn’t find a record of a Doctor John Laurens graduating any university in the past ten years. John had only been found on social media, where he kept himself very private. On Facebook he had a maximum of 30 friends, all from his days at Columbia College. Alexander had took a moment to notice his mutual friend though: _Peggy Schuyler_. Which means John was a few years younger than him if he was friends with the youngest Schuyler sibling, but still at least 24 for him to be a qualified doctor. 

Alexander hadn't noticed until now, but John was cute. Well at least his photograph was, he had a face full of golden freckles against his light copper skin. High cheekbones and plump lips that could never be bad at kissing. What was the damage this guy could do, he looked young and full of energy. Alexander could see on the photograph that his eyes were green, but he had a feeling they'd be breathtaking in real life, like a field of tall grass he could get lost in or emeralds worth millions of dollars. Alexander preferred the idea of emeralds though, Alex knew what it felt like to be lost and he didn't like it, wandering aimlessly with no goal, scared to look back incase you see what you have done, only you can't undo it now. 

Alexander had to write back to John now, cease his shaking fingers and type. (Why were they shaking, it wasn't cold in here?)

_To: J Laurens (drjlaurens@gmail.com)_

_From: Alexander Hamilton (a.hamnyclaw@gmail.com)_

_Dr Laurens,_

_A credit and social check will not be required. However after looking through a few of your social media accounts, you seem to be a well guarded man (for that I do not blame you)._

_As I have had no further interest in my vacancy, it is yours. Attached is a copy of the tenancy agreement, and rent payment contract - please bring these with you when you arrive in New York._

_I look forward to meeting you John, please don't hesitate to text me with details of when you arrive in the city. I will be happy to help you from the airport._

_Yrs, Alexander._

_P.S - How do you know Peggy Schuyler, I'm very close friends with their sister Eliza._

Alexander laughed at that last comment, ‘very close’ was one way to describe their relationship. It was more like unconditional love, but undying platonic love, where you jump in front of a bus without thinking about it for them. Eliza was his first call when he was stressed, when he needed an adult, a shoulder to cry on, a wing woman. The type of friends where you don't stop thinking about each other, where you would be mistaken for a couple. Except those feelings don't come into their relationship. The fear of rejection and the feeling of doubt don't pass their minds, because they don't have to live up to expectations of a partner. They just have to be Alexander and Eliza. They had tried, tried so hard to be a beautiful couple, everyone had said they would work, so why hadn't they? Alexander still couldn't answer that question, it was one of the few things he didn't know and he felt so helpless when he didn't know something. It was a weakness in his armor. 

Alexander and Eliza had just drifted apart romantically, they stopped sleeping in the same bed, stopped going on dates after Eliza got pregnant. They didn't stop though. Alexander was overjoyed that Eliza was carrying their child, they just hadn't worked. 

Alexander could wait to meet John though, with his curly hair and his bright smile. Alex had felt a little spark when he saw the photograph. The fire inside of him had grown, but not in an angry way, in a soothing way. Whichever way meant that a fire could be soothing, like he was in a cold place for a long time and it was his first sign of heat in a week.

* * *

John read the email again and again and again. Over and over. He was actually going to New York, he had somewhere to live. John was going to get out of South Carolina, he finally getting to be _John_. He sighed, and slightly hugged the phone to his chest. John was more excited than he should be, like a kid at Christmas. Alexander was currently his savior and they hadn’t even met, however nice this Alexander Hamilton was though, John would never let him know what he did for him. 

John was more than relieved though, he had felt the weight of a whole person on his shoulders. A person who could finally be free had lifted away, John was liberated. Well he would be in a week. John had always thought he would never get to this point, to the point where he could dispose of Jacqueline Laurens. He didn’t feel guilty of letting her go, she had never had the motivation to live anyway, Jacqueline knew she was never meant to be. 

“Jacqueline, come here.” Henry Laurens called up the stairs. One thing he wouldn’t miss was being summoned by his father every time he did something wrong, or his siblings did something wrong. John had always gotten the blame for everything his sisters and brother did, he was the oldest, so he was responsible. That’s what his father thought anyway. Their father said that all of his siblings bad habits had come from him, all of the back talking and fighting. That was all his fault, never once had Henry Laurens thought it could be because he was a bad father. John had been left to raise every child who wasn't Junior. Junior was his eldest son, so he gave Junior all of his attention, all of his love. Whereas Mary had got nothing but hateful looks and pushed aside, Henry was under the illusion that Mary was at fault for their mother's death. Mary was the one who took his happiness and love away, so Mary got nothing but hate in return. John didn't want to leave her, she’s five years old and no one has loved her except her siblings. Now her siblings are leaving, John for New York, Martha for Washington DC, Junior for college. Jemmy wasn't old enough to understand that he had to love Mary, because their father wouldn't.

“Yes, dad.” John descended the stairs and flashed a fake smile at his father. He was wearing his binder, and be only realised the pressing on his chest as he walked into the living room. John quickly crossed his arms over his chest, and hoped his father wouldn't notice the sudden flatness of his daughter's chest. The daughter who unfortunately been ‘blessed’ with her mother's larger bust. 

“How is your house hunting going?” Henry didn't have any pitch to his voice, just asked without interest. Asked because he had to ask. 

“I just received an email from a lawyer called Alexander Hamilton. He had a room available for rent and it is mine if I need it,” John explained, his father didn't look happy at the prospect of _he_ , “Father, he is a divorcee with a small child. Do not pull that face at me.”

John could have possibly lied about that last part, he was a bit young to be divorced. John didn't know anything about this guy though, his dad could be right, Alexander Hamilton could be a creep, he might not even be 26. That was a chance he was going to take though, he just needed to get away from this house. 

“I will have less of the attitude Jacqueline, I know how much you want to get away. I can put a stop to this whole thing right now if you talk to me like that again,” Henry scaled his daughter. John felt his blood beginning to boil, his father had the audacity to treat him like a child but also send him away because he was now an adult. Too old to be under his father's care, “Where is this house located?”

“Sorry dad. It's in Washington Heights. Just north of central Manhattan, on Broadway -”

“I am well aware of where the Heights is and what it is. You will not be going there Jacqueline. It is full of brash Latino men, a young girl such of yourself, they will be ready to take advantage of you. I'd not be surprised to find out Alexander Hamilton is an immigrant from one country or another,” Henry cut John off. John was ready to fume now, had his father just brought up race. How absolutely clueless could his father get, “Do you know what I am saying?”

John’s eyes were filled with fire, ready to burn his father. Blister him with his anger and hurt him like he had hurt John over the years, but all he would be able to manage was a damp argument. Filled with stutters and whispers for fear of abuse again.

“Are you kidding me father? I know you are going to punish me for this, but really. ‘Latino men who are going to take advantage of you’. In case you have forgotten, your own wife was Puerto Rican, I AM HALF PUERTO RICAN!” John nearly screamed, his hands were flailing. How could he forget his own wife, the only person who had managed to make Henry Laurens smile and he just forgot. Let it slip his memory, especially when he was talking to the child that looked exactly like her. 

“I know you forget, but look at me. I look exactly like her dad! I look like I’m from Puerto Rico, do you forget because you're white and the children you actually love are -” John stopped himself mid sentence. He had just said the stupidest thing of his entire life. He knew his father didn't love him, but he could never confront him about it. Never mind the fact he had just segregated himself from his family in another way. 

“You think I don't love you Jackie, I would say I love you more because you remind me of her so much. You are so much like your mother, the way you walk and talk. They way you play with Mary is exactly the same way your mother used to play with you.” Henry looked toward the floor, he felt defeated by his own child. Jacqueline was right though, how could he forget about his wife, the wife he loved so much. The wife he fought so hard for when they found out she was pregnant with Jacqueline. 

“Just leave. I'll wake you up in the morning with details of your flight. You're leaving tomorrow. I can't keep you here, you'll be fine I'm New York. Don't say I didn't try to warn you about the Heights.” Henry sighed, he hadn't wanted to see his daughter go like this. She was supposed to leave peacefully, after a family dinner and tears from her siblings. Not at the back end of an argument. 

“Get your things packed and say goodbye. Proper goodbyes, you're not returning under my roof - Ever Jacqueline.”

***

John had cried again for an hour. His tears stung this time though, like acid dripping down his skin and on to his face and his hand and everywhere. The feeling was enjoyed though, he deserved the burns it left, for being a horrible child, for being wrong for being backward. He couldn't live in New York, not now. Not this soon. 

His shaking hands picked his phone up and he found the number he had saved only a few hours ago:

_> >To: Alexander Hamilton:_

_This is John Laurens. I understand it is later in New York than it is here. Would I be able to call you about a change in my circumstances?_

_John._

John set his phone aside and tried to ignore it, he wouldn't be getting a reply until the morning. It was almost 1 am in New York. Alexander Hamilton would be asleep. 

Instead he grabbed his suitcase and began to pack the clothes he had left for the rest of the week, John wouldn't be needing them. John's tear sped up at he took down the final photo of his family. The one he had saved until last. The tears bounced off the glass of the photo frame as he gently ran his hand across the smiling faces. Mary was a day old in this photo, and his mother was sitting a wheelchair, his father pushing her. On that day Henry had demanded a family photo, taken next to the fountain outside the hospital. John's mother had died the next day. 

_> >From: Alexander Hamilton:_

_Of course you may, don't worry about the time. I tend to be nocturnal when it comes to my work. So I'm still wide awake._

_Alex._

John smiled a little, he didn't know why. He decided to stop his tears from shaking his voice, making him sound vulnerable. He wrapped the photo of his family in bubble wrap, finding solace in that in his own way he would keep them safe. Even if it was just a photograph he was making sure didn't get smashed on the plane.

John would managed somehow, keep Martha from becoming father's next victim. Junior from become another copy of the man who could ruin them. Let Jemmy keep his innocence and Mary her childhood. 

John stilled his hand by putting a final piece of sticky tape over the bubble wrap and placing the photo carefully between his towels. Then he picked up his phone and pressed dial, took in a deep breath and filled his ears with the dial tone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if this needs any major editing please comment. it's just I write this on my phone, which means its a pain, so I just edit where word bring up a zig zag line and that's it.


	4. did you make it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is ready, with a little reassurance from Alexander and his sister.

“Alexander?” John’s voice shook as the ringing stopped and the phone call sprang into live. He put the mask over his voice, hiding the vulnerability he felt.

“You sound shaken? I know I’m essentially a stranger, but I'll listen.” Alexander's voice was soothing, not in the way it was smooth and flowed like a river. It was jumpy and pitched, but it captured you in. Something calming about it, like a warm hug. 

“My father is sending me to New York tomorrow. Not next week. Tomorrow,” John sighed, Alexander was going to say it was too soon. He was going to lose his shot, the only one he bad. He was going to go to New York tomorrow with four suitcases and no where to go. No shelters would have him because of his gender, yes they were liberal. They'd argue he was a threat to other women, but he wouldn't be safe around men. John just wanted to go, to get away from the pain this house held, “Its my own fault, I caused an argument with him about race and may have brought up my dead mother.”

“It's fine, I've been kicked off my case. So I actually can't go to work. Tell me the details of which airport you're going to and when,” John could feel the smile in Alexander's voice, maybe it was imaginary, “If it makes you feel any better, my mother died when I was twelve.”

“I think he's going to fly me into LaGuardia because of its proximity to Manhattan. You sure it's okay if I come tomorrow, has your old housemate even left?” John asked, it just seemed all awfully quick. John was grateful to get away from the walls that enclosed him and every time he heard the floorboards creek, a memory of hurt would come back. He still couldn't process the fact he was _free_. 

John still didn't know how he was going to handle his family, if he wanted to keep them in his life. He would have to come out to them, to all of them. John couldn't do that to himself, his father would try to hurt him, try to rip his identify away from him. John felt a mourning at losing his siblings though, if he left now. Would Mary even remember her sister Jacqueline in ten years times. 

“Well Sam hasn't been back since yesterday and all of his stuff is in boxes at the bottom of the stairs. The room is yours, its empty. I've told him he has to come for his things by the end of the week or I put it on the porch.” 

John could listen to Alexander talk for days, at least he wasn't going to be bored in New York. 

“You sure it's not too soon?” The panic returned to John's voice, he couldn't be a burden for this guy he didn't know. Yet at the same time, he owed Alexander everything. 

“I'm glad to see Samuel go, I really am. I should let you get to bed though. I'll meet you tomorrow John.” Alexander breathed, his voice sincere and charming. John's name sounded right coming off of Alexander's lips, the way he dragged the ‘n’ and let an accent that wasn't a New York accent slip into his voice. 

“I can't wait to meet you Alexander.” John wasn't lying, he already felt like Alexander was his best friend and even though wasn't true. He didn't have many friends, he left them all in New York. They had known he was John, so he couldn't let them associate with his home live. He hadn't wanted to cut them off, they had been the best thing to ever happen to him. They had made him feel comfortable with his gender, comfortable with his sexuality. By his final year he wasn't dysphoric, he could go a day without wanting to cut his body and drink it all away. Then it had crumbled the day he got home. John had drank, shouted at his sister who was only trying to help and drank some more. 

“Likewise Laurens. Tomorrow. Good night.” 

John smiled a little, he was finally calm. Whether it was the fault of Alexander or the reassurance he gave him. It was too late to say goodbye to his younger siblings, but Martha would still be awake. So he walked down the corridor, he didn't care if his father heard him. His father couldn't do more damage than he had already done. He gently raked his knuckles against the door, loud enough for Martha to hear, but quiet enough to not wake up Mary who was asleep in the next room. He heard whispers inside the room, almost as if Martha was arguing with someone. She could have a friend over for all John knew, since Henry’s revelation this afternoon John hadn’t made an effort to leave his room. 

“Jack? It’s late.” Martha opened the door, only enough for her face to peek out.

“Am I not allowed to come and talk to my sister, anyway I’m here to address the shouting you heard between me and dad earlier.” John tried to push his way into Martha’s room, mostly because it was cold in this corridor and he was wearing shorts, “Look, I don’t care who you’ve got in there, just let me in before my legs freeze.”

“Two minutes please.” A little pleading was added to her voice and she shut the door. It was a statement though, and John didn’t have much choice to stand outside and let his knees shake together. John wasn’t the only one defying father, Martha was braver than him though. Defying him under his own roof, even though John and Martha are adults, their father still imposed rules upon rules on them. _Bed before midnight, don’t talk to Jemmy, Junior and Mary after 9pm, no friends after 11pm and don’t even think about drinking in my household._

John heard small giggles and then the turn of the handle on the door, “Jack shut up and don’t tell anyone who’s here. That is Isabella.” John smiled at the light haired girl awkwardly sitting at the end of Martha’s bed. Her hair was a little messed up and her lips looked overly red, along with her cheeks. 

“Martha, where you?” John grinned at his sister and slapped her on the arm slightly. 

“You can’t tell anyone Jack, just like I won’t tell anyone you’re trans. Just shut up please.” Martha’s voice was a little breathy, and John could tell this mattered to her. 

“Why would I? You liking girls is weak compared to what I’ve going for me Martha. What is it then, bi, pan, gay?” John just laughed and pulled Martha into a hug, she was always his favourite, maybe it was the close age or the fact that they were together for nearly six years before Junior entered their lives. “I’m never gonna stop loving you, maybe if you have a wife, we can swap for events. You can have my husband and I’ll have your wife and we’ll look normal.”

“That would involve you coming out as trans first John. Also it’s pan, I think. I’m not sure, I just know I like girls as well.” Martha smiled, held out her hand to Isabella. Isabella just looked confused, between Martha’s trans gay brother and how close they were, she wasn’t quite sure what to think. 

“Well Isabella, I don’t know how serious you are with my sister, but I’m gonna give you a short shovel talk. Then I’ll help you get out of this forsaken house so I can talk to my sister,” John looked at her in the eye, Isabella had blue eyes, the type that looked a little bit like the ocean. He tried to coat his own with harshness, but however much venom he tried to coat the words in, he couldn’t. Yes John meant the words he was going to say, but he couldn’t make them sound as threatening as he needed them to, “You hurt her, I hurt you because I love her and she’s my best friend and my sister and I won’t have her broken and damned, because you were stupid.”

“I don’t want to hurt her, Jack. I never will, your sister is something incredible. Anyone hurts her and I will call you myself,” She held her hand out to John, a sincere smile on her face. John grabbed her hand, it was soft, almost too soft, but she was probably the pampered child of a southern gentleman. Isabella would have never touched a broom in her life, just like John and Martha until they went to college. John didn’t just settle for a handshake though, he pulled her into a loose hug. “Now help me climb off the balcony without hurting myself. I’ve done it before but I’ve never had someone as tall as you to help.”

After ten minutes and some precarious hanging of the balcony, but Isabella was right, John’s height did make it easier. The length of his arm made it so that by the time she had climbed over, trying to stifle laughs, her feet touched the roof of the first floor and she didn’t have to jump with the danger of waking anyone or hurting herself. Then John and Martha returned to her room. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow Martha. He’s sending me away because we argued,” John sat on the bed, beginning to shake again, it shouldn’t be this hard to say goodbye. Yes he was leaving, but Martha wouldn’t let them go without contact, “He was being racist, and I couldn’t let him be considering he was being racist about Latino people. I am Latino, we all are.”

“It’s not me who’s going to be disappointed you’re leaving John, it’s the little ones. I can manage myself,” Martha wrapped an arm around her brother’s shoulder, let him lean onto her. Slightly rubbing his shoulder blades so his breathing returned to normal, “You’ll be okay John, go to bed. Get up and say goodbye to the kids. Then you can take New York by storm and knock ‘em out!”

“I love you, Martha.” John smiled, he felt so useless by panicking so much but he got up and walked himself back to his room. He grudgingly removed the binder, only so he wouldn’t collapse his own lungs. John would never take his binder off if he didn’t know the damage it could cause to his ribs. His binder made him want to live, so he couldn’t let it kill him.

***

John was awoke at 6:30 am sharp by his father banging against the door. “Jacqueline, I suggest you wake up and join us for breakfast. I have your flight details in my hands.”

“I need ten minutes to get dressed please.” John shouted back. 

“I was going to give you until 7 am, but ten minutes will do fine considering your siblings are already dressed.” Then John heard Henry walk away from the door and he breathed. He dotted around the room making sure everything was packed, he had tried to stay awake. Tried so hard to stay awake and pack the rest of his thing, but he had only managed another suitcase, he would get Martha to do the rest and ship it to him. 

John pushed a half binder into his hand luggage, he couldn’t wear it now. It would be the first thing he’d do at the airport. Then he found some skinny jeans, they made the curve of his thighs stand out more, but they were the only clothes that weren’t packed and he wasn’t going to find ones that made him more comfortable. He tied his converse and braided his hair, in a few hours time he could get it all cut off. 

Then he ran downstairs, wearing a hoodie. Mary ran up to him and grabbed onto his leg. “Morning Mary!” John picked her up easily, father would tell him off because she’s five and she shouldn’t be getting picked up anymore. John didn’t care however, so he let Mary wrap herself around John’s front. She put her head into his shoulder and giggled.

“Dad says you’re leaving today. I don’t want you to go Jackie!” So father had told them, at least that weight was gone. 

“Yeah kid, I’ve gotta go though. I’m a big b-” John cut himself off, taking a pause in his speech now, “girl now. Big girls don’t live with their dads.” John corrected himself and sighed, he put Mary back down on the floor so he could hug Jemmy. Junior refused to hug John though, he thought he was too old to still love his sister. John laughed him off and went back to his pancakes, barely able to eat anything. He wasn’t hungry, just anticipating the moment his father handed him the ticket and made him step out the front door for the last time. 

That happened two hours later, it was 9 am and his flight was at half 11. It would take three hours including taking off and landing for him to get to New York. One flight and he’d be fine. John was speechless and his siblings hugged him, said goodbyes and told them they loved him. They didn’t know how much of a relief this was for him. Martha helped him with his suitcases to the car, and then he was gone. Driving away from his childhood home, tears pricked his eyes. He was done with crying, _one last time_ ,he thought. _No more crying in New York_. 

All of his memories were in that house, yes it was a place he was forced to be a person who he couldn’t be. Putting that aside, he had a perfect childhood, there was constant smiles and laughing. Not a moment had went by when he was alone, wasn’t being cheered up. It was hard to leave that behind and only now, halfway to the airport he wanted to turn around. To apologize, do whatever it takes to get his happiness back. John couldn’t though, he had to find happiness in New York. It would be easier for him, he could be John who already had the happiness of being able to be himself. 

He distracted himself into his new life by pulling out his phone.

_> >To: Alexander Hamilton:_

_I’m going for the plane now, it’s supposed to land at 3 pm. Sorry if I wake you up._

John went through the rest of the day on autopilot, he was grateful when his driver helped him to check in with his five suitcases. There was no way he would have made it through the airport without help. As soon as he was checked in, he had ran to the toilet and put his binder on, finally feeling ready to be a new person. He hadn’t even thought about checking his phone until he was sitting in the boarding lobby, ready to block out the plane with some loud music. 

_> >From: Alexander Hamilton:_

_I’ll see you then, I’ll have a sign with your name on. (Generic, but you don’t know what I look like) I also borrowed Eliza’s car so we can haul all of your stuff up to the house without an expensive cab!_

_> >To: Alexander Hamilton:_

_Great! Gotta go, the flight attendants need me to turn my phone off._

John smiled, and closed his eye letting the notes of his music bounce around in his head. Enjoy the way the voices blended together and formed harmonies. He enjoyed the peace, for the three hours it would last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry there was no alex POV this chapter, I went to do it and then realised I had already wrote 2.7k words. so i'll leave it until the next chapter (OUR BOYS FINALLY MEET)
> 
> also isabella isn't going to be important, she was just a way of introducing martha's sexuality and i couldn't think of any historical figures for that


	5. we lit the fire and it's burning bright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John lands in his new home and Alexander stops himself.

“Sir, the flight will land in ten minutes. I got your hand luggage down for you.” John was awoken by a hand shaking his shoulder. He was more occupied with the fact that someone called him sir, fair enough the flight attendants couldn’t see the waist long ponytail tucked down the back of his shirt.

“Thank you, you shouldn’t have though. It’s heavy.” John gave her a small smile and picked his backpack from the floor, placing it on his lap and clutching it to his chest. It didn’t even have anything private in it, John was clutching it for comfort. He locked his gaze on the small window and saw New York unfold below him. They looked like they were flying so close to the skyscrapers, barely surpassing their roofs. John knew he was safe but he let his head fill with the physics of the flight, he had always been more of a biology guy when it came to science. Still he knew enough about turbulence and air resistance to fill his thoughts with mindless nonsense instead of thinking about the life that waited for him in ten minutes time. Even though now it was more like eight and so he began to bounce around in his seat, relieved to find that people around him weren’t being scaled for texting people.

_To: Martha!!!!!:_

_i’m safe don’t worry about ur big brother, about to land and go meet alexander xx_

John didn’t expect Martha to text back so quickly, she must have left the house because their father was strict on phones in the house. ,John only got away with using his in the house because he never left his room.

_From: Martha!!!!:_

_i hope he’s cute for u jack, u better snapchat me loads of photos xxx_

John laughed at his sister, getting a few stares as he looked at his phone. He shot the stares down with the joy in his eyes. Now they only have two minutes until they were allowed off the plane and John thought it might be a good idea to text Alexander saying he had landed. 

_To: Alexander Hamilton:_

_I’ve just landed, I should be at the baggage claim in a half hour. :)_

John sent it without thinking about the smiley face, they were going to be friends eventually, so he might as well begin being friendly. They would have to be friends if they were going to deal with living within close proximity to each other all constantly.

_From: Alexander Hamilton:_

_I’m already here actually, I like to be prompt.  
See you soon ;)_

John felt a little flutter at the winky face, but he thought nothing of it. So Alexander was a flirt, John could deal with that, John just couldn’t wait to meet new people. Alexander included. So as soon as they announced they could depart the plane, he nearly ran, like a child running down the stairs on Christmas morning. Fast enough to get to the anticipated presents, but slow enough to not get told off and have Christmas ruined. 

He rushed through security, bouncing. Getting a few weird look because of his passport - he just wanted to forget that it said _‘FEMALE’_ in big bold letters because it shouldn’t, because he wasn’t a female. He was most certainly a male, and that’s why they looked at him weird, because his passport was wrong. They couldn’t argue though, the photo looked like him, if he had his obscenely long hair framing his face. 

_To: Alexander Hamilton:_

_I’m passing the Starbucks, what coffee do you drink?_

John was trying to be kind, sure he was going to paying Alexander four-hundred dollars in rent, but he could still buy a guy coffee. Yes, he wasn’t passing the Starbucks yet, but he could go out of his way to baggage claim, he was tired despite his nap on the plane. 

_From: Alexander Hamilton:_

_Americano with extra espresso. I’m a bit of a caffeine addict._

John smiled as he walked into the bright green shop, his nose inhaled with the smell of coffee beans and while he wasn’t overly bothered by coffee. It smelled busy, and populated, not like coffee shops in South Carolina. It smelled exactly like he had left it a year ago. He hadn’t realised how much he missed New York until now, how attached he had become to the city in his time there. He was glad to be back, this time he wasn’t going to let himself leave, not for any reason.

Somehow the queue was non-existent and John managed to march to the front of the store and ask for coffee straight away, “Large mocha for John and a large americano with an extra espresso shot for Alexander.” John smiled at the barista, and used his credit card without hesitation. The he realized he would have to stop doing that, his dad was going to cancel it soon anyway. Three months time, that’s how long John had to find a job or milk as much money from his family as possible. He prefered the former, finally providing for himself. 

It’s wasn’t two minutes before John was looking at the two cups quizzically. Getting Alexander a coffee to say thank you was a good idea, but he didn’t have five hands, and between his backpack, suitcase, phone and everything else he was going to have to carry. He didn’t have enough hands. He balanced his own drink in the crook of his elbow, and then managed to find a hand for Alexander’s. 

Ten minutes later John had made his way to baggage claim, after getting lost one or two times. He had never flown into LaGuardia only JFK, so he had inevitably gotten lost. The logical thing to do was to go and get his bags first, considering he had already left it too long, but unless they were expecting them to carry them on his head. John began to look for Alexander. 

It was busy here though and John was never going to find a guy he couldn’t recognise. “Alexander Hamilton!” He shouted, just loud enough to be heard over the bustle. He walked around and shouted a few more times until the back his head was hit with a bit of cardboard. 

“John Laurens?” He knew the voice from the telephone, but it was much more animated in real life. John didn’t know how he could manage to fit so many different pitches into a three syllable name. 

“That’s me!” John grinned, turning himself around and quickly handing the coffee to Alexander, “That is for you. Before I drop my own coffee.” John moved his own coffee from the crook of his elbow to his hand and finally took a sip of it, letting the chocolate flavoured caffeine slide smoothly down his throat and he felt the instant effect of the caffeine. Bringing him back to live and allowing himself to look at Alexander, who he was pretty sure had just drank the whole coffee in one sip. 

John usually wasn’t too bothered by appearances, but Alexander was bordering on beautiful in John’s head. A few more hours sleep and a hairbrush would make him irresistible. John was sure Alexander’s eyes were darker than the coffee he had just drank, but it they were a lot more captivating. What wasn’t captivating was the purple bags under them, John had an urge to swipe them away, if he could. His eyes were same colour as his hair which was tied in an attempt at a messy bun, but most of it was hanging around his face. Despite the tiredness in his eyes, Alexander smiled at John and it seemed to light his face up completely. His eyes turning from a weak flame John could blow out in a second to an inviting campfire, strong, roaring and warm. Alexander looked so warm and John felt so cold. 

“I’ll keep all your stuff if you wanna get the rest, because this cannot be all you brought,” Alexander said, “Also I appreciate the formalities, but you can call me Alex or Ham.” Then Alexander shooed him away with his hand, telling him to go and get his stuff. While he was waiting for the conveyer belt to bring round more luggage he pulled out his phone and dropped his sister a text about Alex. 

_To: Martha!!!!:_

_hes not just cute mar, he’s absolutely gorgeous and i have to live with him *sigh*  
i mean like, bordering on perfect boyfriend gorgeous xxxx_

* * *

_To: Best of Women (ElizA):_

_Eliza, he’s beautiful. Why did Peggy never tell me he was prettier in real life? God damn Liza, how am I supposed to deal with this._

Alex wasn’t overreacting, there was a certain allure about John. He was softer in real life than on his photograph. The curve of his jaw wasn’t quite as sharp and his cheekbones weren’t as hollow. His freckles shone against the sun, and Alex was sure they could emit their own light. Alexander knew he wasn’t suppose to notice that his hair was tucked in to shirt and probably went to his waist. That the rise and fall of his chest was being constricted by something, the movements being cut short of full capacity. His hips were more curved than they should be, although that could have been the jeans John was wearing. That his voice was artificial, he hadn’t noticed on the phone, but that was because he couldn’t see the forced movements of throat muscles that you don’t usually use for certain sounds and the lack of a bobbing adam’s apple. It was none of Alexander’s business though, as long as John paid his rent and treat his son right. Alex couldn’t care less who or what John identified as.

Alexander had been right about his eyes, they were more hazel than green. They still glimmered and shone though. The yellow of the brown tones had reflected the sun and the green had managed to balance the red fire that seemed to blaze through his pupils. Alex could stare into them for hours, and he intended to through their time together. 

Alexander hadn’t felt this much of an insane attraction since he met Eliza at eighteen. So Alex couldn’t let it go past friends, because well that what had ended up with Eliza and he couldn’t be bothered to put himself through that much self-doubt and pain. He already knew he didn’t want to cause John any pain, his eyes might be bright and hopeful, but they hid pain Alexander knew that well because he has spent years building up his mask, making sure that he didn’t reveal the pain that fuelled him. Yes the pain had got him here, but letting people know of it would make sure they left him. Alex worked hard to have the few friends he had. 

He watched as John walked toward the conveyer belt, laughing a little as he ran excitedly. Alex had to stop his thoughts, John was pretty. There was something else there though, a spark though, one he could suppress and suffocate or one he could nurture and feed. Alex wanted to the latter, but he would end up doing the former by being himself. John wouldn’t be able to deal with his anger and his persistent non-stop working. No one could handle that, no one would be able to make Alex actually care for himself. Alexander only ate and drank and slept so he could continue working and so he could be conscious for his son. He didn’t want to be a deadbeat dad, but half of the time he felt like one. He didn’t have the energy to be a dad, the enthusiasm and love was all there, but being with Philip for ten minutes tired him out. John would think him a bad person for that alone. 

John returned almost ten minutes later, rolling another three suitcases. “I’m gonna need some help.” John stated, staring down at Alex. Of course he was taller than him, almost everyone managed to be taller than him. 

“Sorry, yeah.” Alex shook his, he had zoned out thinking about John and his son and his life in general. Alex quickly scrambled, dropping his empty cup into the trash can and grabbing a suitcase with both of his hands. They brushed, John’s soft hand barely scraping past Alexander's, but he would have stupid to deny that every freckled he touched sent a spark up his fingers and that just the sensation of their skin together left him burning. 

Alexander dipped his head so John couldn't meet his eyes, because John had felt it too and his eyes were darting looking for the captivating darkness of Alex’s pupils. 

“You ready to go, it's only around a half hour from here.” Alex looked up and smiled, he could already feel the affections for John forming. Alex had to do everything in his power to let this die. John was just new and interesting and beautiful and charming and mysterious - Alexander stopped himself. John is just a friend, an person who he shares his house with. John was never going to be anything more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun to write. Just a note though, that until around July the chapters will come slower because I'm back at college and I have no internet in my house.


	6. did you take it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John finally takes a step forward and Alexander confides in Peggy.

It had been a week since John had made his way to New York. He had been applying for jobs everyday, barely the leaving the house and between both him and Alexander they might have spent an hour away from the house. 

Finally John had an interview for a job in a hospital, as a doctor. The email read as if he had already gotten the job. There was only one problem, the job was for Jacqueline Laurens, not John. While he had to make that sacrifice, he didn't know if he bare the constant feeling of drowning, the feeling being disregarded gave him. It extinguished him, made him feel weak and angry. His validity bring stripped away from him, John could never be John. John wasn't a valid person, he couldn't get a job or a driver's licence or even an ID card. John Laurens was just an idea, an incredible idea. The idea that made him most satisfied. New York was helping with that idea, not once had someone called him Jacqueline, because no one here knew. 

John hadn't tried to reach out to his old friends. Not to Lafayette or Hercules and especially not to Peggy considering he knew Alexander knew her. He wanted to be settled before he found his friends, would his friends still want him? John just left two years ago, without a word. His father had ordered him home, so he had went. Now his father had ordered him away, and once again John had done as he said. 

John's job interview was tomorrow, so he couldn't put it off any longer. He had to get his hair cut today, he hadn't washed it in three days and the greasy tendrils moved across his back, sticking underneath his shirt. He always tucked into his shirt, John was embarrassed by his hair. John was sure he spotted a salon down the road, he would go there. As soon as he showered. 

He bounced up the stairs, knocking on Alexander's door. "If you need the toilet go now, because I'm having a shower." John exclaimed, jumping back a little when Alex opened the door. John could see he hadn't slept again last night, John wished he could do something about it. John wasn't going to deny he hadn't seen the pills in the cupboard, he wouldn't confront Alex about it. John couldn't tell if it was the doctor in him that was concerned for Alex's health or if John was concerned because it was Alex and he is John. 

Alex placed a hand on to John waist to push him out of the way. John had never been one for human contact, but this his didn't mind, John wouldn't admit to himself that he almost leaned into the touch - craving more from Alex. Wishing the contact had of lasted longer. There was the spark that John wished he could get used to when they made contact, left John's skin soothed and cool, but still burning hot and electric. John just wanted more from Alexander, even though they had known each other a week. John had a feeling that Alex wouldn't hate him for what he was. 

"Alex, you know the salon down the road?" John moved out of Alex's grasp, he couldn't stay that way. It not like Alexander wanted anything more, or ever would, he had a son. Which meant he was probably straight, and that while John had been told he was attractive, he wasn't that attractive. 

"Daniela's salon, what about it?" Alex smiled, it was just a small smile. John appreciated his expertise on the neighbourhood, John appreciated the fact that Alexander was kind enough to share his knowledge with John. Alex seemed to have a lot of knowledge, John had learned he was both a law and political science major, as well as being a journalist. John had taken the liberty of reading some of Alex's writing, and he was blown away. Alexander managed to be so eloquent and elegant, his words flowed into one another seamlessly. John may have teared up reading because it, Alexander argued his point poignantly, with beauty and grace. John had felt _breathless, without help._

"You're a smart guy, I'm pretty sure you've noticed this," John sighed, his eyes downcast with a twinge of sadness. He pulled the ponytail over his shoulder, beginning to look into Alex's hair, John was jealous of the thick inky hair that fell to Alex's shoulders. It looked perfect, John would never get his that pretty, "I need it cut off. How bad are they with gossip over there?" 

Alex sighed, "Ask for Vanessa and tell her I sent you. No one needs to know about it. I look like Vanessa's boyfriend, so she has a soft spot for me," Alex put the very edges of his fingers against the curls, John wanted to be comforted by Alex, but instead he felt disgusted by himself. He cowered away from the touch, he didn’t want to be comfortable with Alex, not until he was content in his body, proud of who he was, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s fine. It’s just not something I talk about, so don’t ask,” John stated, he pushed ponytail back into the confines of his shirt, the entrapment of the hair already making him feel better. _It’ll feel incredible when it doesn’t scratch your back anymore._ John didn’t want to get it all cut off, maybe long enough for a small bun. He wouldn’t suit really short hair anyway, the curls would stick up everywhere and spike up, John needed some length to control them. Anyway, a little longer hair on guys was totally popular and fashionable right now, “Anyway, go to the toilet if you need it, because I need to wash my hair. They’re not going to cut this greasy mess.”

Alexander just laughed at him, a hearty laugh. One of real amusement and interest, and John could learn to love that noise if he could lure it from Alexander again. Then Alex pushed past John and into the bathroom, smiling to himself. Turned out after all that, Alex had needed the toilet and John was now standing awkwardly outside the bathroom listening to Alex piss. John rolled his eyes, anyone else would have just went and took their clothes off ready for their shower, John couldn’t do that. He knew he would have to tell Alex eventually, but he wasn’t in a rush. John would tell Alex on his terms, when he was ready to. Just like he would with everyone else. 

“The bathroom is all yours my dearest Laurens, I’m heading out to Usnavi’s for coffee and then I’m going to see Philip.” John’s brain stopped after Alex called him ‘my dearest’, John didn’t know why. It wasn’t anything special, Alexander seemed to be very liberal with pet names. Even _Thomas Jefferson_ had one, the guy Alexander hated because the opposed each other so much. Alex liked to think him and Thomas were complete opposites, John wouldn’t never admit to Alex he saw far too many similarities between the two.

***

An hour later, John nervously walked into the salon. Trying not to make eye contact with anyone, he wished his hair would magically disappear. That he didn’t have to confront hairdressers, who were known for gossiping and being loose with their mouths and what they let out their mouths. “Hey, I pretty desperately need a haircut, Alex Hamilton said to ask for Vanessa.” John smiled, trying to put his nerves aside, he was finally erasing something that made him less like John. This hair belonged to Jacqueline, and Jacqueline was trying to rid the world of herself.

“Lucky for you I am Vanessa. Any friend of Alex is a friend of mine. You look pretty nervous and awkward, I’ll take you in the back and cut it off for you.” She explained, she had a pretty smile. John didn’t know how to appreciate her beauty though, he wasn’t really equipped to understand the beauty of women, he never had been. 

John quickly followed her, shrugging off his jacket as he walked and grudgingly pulling the ponytail from it’s hair tie for the last time. He was thankful for the thick jumper, he couldn’t feel it splay out across his back muscles which had tensed up at the thought of feeling his hair. 

“Your hair is beautiful, so thick and curly, but I assume that isn’t what you want hear. Also I assume you’re John, Alex’s new housemate that he won’t shut up about to Usnavi.” Vanessa motioned him to sit down and then quickly wrapped a nylon cape around him. 

“I’m John, yeah. Do you mind if I just don’t talk? Not shorter than my chin I don’t want spikey curls and not long than my shoulders. Just do whatever you think looks good and not overly feminine please.” John explained and closed his eyes over, he didn’t want to see it until it was done. He only opened his eyes to see the victory of the corkscrew curls falling to the floor, kicking them away until they were out of sight and finally off his head. The weight had been mentally lifted that day in the airport, now it was being physically lifted. His head felt lighter, his hair felt bouncier and he felt a little more _like John._

It must have been another half hour until Vanessa told him to open his eyes, after she was done cutting the hair around his ears and face she had let her plug his earphones in. He lost himself in the music, trying not to move his head to the beat, yes all he cared about was getting the length off, but he still wouldn’t appreciate if the line of his hair was crooked. 

Then he did as Vanessa asked four or five times and opened his eyes to look in the mirror. She had cut it to just above his shoulder, he would still be fine to get it off his face as a doctor. It somehow made his jaw look more angular, and for once he might have looked like a John. John loved it, the hair was just short enough to not tickle any of his skin. He saw his eyebrows furrow in the mirror, John was confused at how such a small change could make him feel so different. That was all John was _confused_ , yes he pretty certain he was actually male, who desire other males, but he always questioned who that made him. How was he supposed to express all those things he was?

* * *

Alexander took his two coffees and jumped on the subway. He had bought Peggy’s favourite, peppermint and cinnamon hot chocolate, any way to bribe her into telling him more about John. His elusive housemate, that for some reason he couldn’t get out of his thoughts. John with his bright eyes that outshone the stars in the sky and the freckles that orbited his face, but Alex knew nothing about him. Yes they had made small talk all week, but the personal information had never went past what they as jobs, or lack of for John. 

Alexander just wanted to know more, see if the emotions piling in his brain were worth his time. Alex didn’t want to have feelings, he didn’t have time to let his work be clouded. In the next year he was either going to make his career or break it, and he wasn’t going to have anything extra to stop him from making it. He had his son and he had his three friends (four if you included Burr). Sure one is his ex-girlfriend and the mother of his son, then the other two just happened to be her sisters. 

Alex was walking down the street to the house Peggy shared with her sisters, and was shocked to find a small three year old running to him. “Papa!” A voice came from around his knees, and now his legs were locked in place by a tiny pair of arms. He looked up to see Peggy walking towards him and he held the cups out to her, which he grabbed without asking, smelling the two of them to find hers. 

“Hey little man! Was Aunt Peg taking you to the park?” He ruffled Philip’s curly hair, and tried to pick his son up. Alexander often forgot that Philip was ahead of kids his age, he was already going through the kindergarten phase of thinking he was too cool to be help by his parents, especially his dad. “Oh you think you’re getting too big for me now!”

“I am nearly four years old Papa, I don’t need to hold your hand anymore.” Philip stated, his face was deadly serious. Alex couldn’t help but be amused by his son, he was just like his dad, remarkably stubborn and smart. 

“Is that right Phil? I don’t think Mommy would like to find out you haven’t been holding Papa’s hand. I know you’re a big boy, but Mommy and Papa love you and we want to keep you safe okay?” Alex had knelt down to look at Philip in the eyes, he had Eliza’s eyes, completely black unlike his own that were often mistaken for black but were really dark brown. Alex put his hand to work fiddling with the buttons on Philip’s little coat, it was really to warm to have it buttoned up though, so he quickly undid his work with the buttons while Philip cocked his eyebrows. Of course he had confused him, Alex would either treat him like he was still a baby or forget he was only three years old. 

“I’m gonna take you for ice cream later. I wanted to talk to Auntie Peggy about my new friend. You can go and play on the swings if you want, just stay where I can see you and-”

“-don’t talk to any strangers. I know Papa!” Philip finished, running off to climb to the top of the slide. 

“Well Alexander, it seems someone is interested in John?” Peggy teased, lightly slapping Alex’s arm. 

“John is interesting, and I feel like I know nothing about him. I’m just going to be honest with you Peggy. I feel what I felt when I met Eliza and I can’t have that if I know nothing about him.” Alex sighed and sat down on a bench, waving at Philip who had already managed to make a friend in the sandpit. 

“I haven’t talked to John yet, he hasn’t bothered to reach out to me yet. Alex he’s had a tough life, nothing like your tough life, but tough all the same. It’s not my place to give the details, but you guys have more in common than you’d think,” Peggy was trying not to look at Alex, if she looked at Alex she’d want to tell him all about John. John would be good for Alex, but it wasn’t for Peggy to set them up, she would just have to slightly push them together, “You might want to know though, he’s not really a relationship guy. No one was able to pin him down in college, Lafayette tried. John won’t let himself get comfortable in a relationship Alex. Take that into account before you pursue him.”

“After all that Peggy, I don’t think I’m going to. I think I’m going to have to let this go, aren’t I?” Alex sighed, he didn’t wanted to be defeated by this so easily, since when had be put John’s wishes above his own. Why was it so important to him that John was comfortable, Alex could easily make John hate him so Alex had a reason to let his feelings go, it’s not like anyone was going to fall for Alexander. He was endearing, argumentative and angry. A raging wildfire, and Alex couldn’t name one person that would ever want to be burned, especially not from something as hot as Alexander’s temper. 

“I think you should let John come to you. I really think you two would be good for each other, but if you push it, you’ll probably scare him away. Don’t let that happen,” Peggy said, and pointed to Philip. He was covered from head to toe in sand. Alexander got up to go and brush his son off, god forbid he drag sand back into Eliza’s house. Angelica would have him vacuuming the carpet for weeks on end, “Also tell John to not be a stranger. He should call sometime.”

“I’ll tell you’re asking after him! Tell Eliza I’ll have Phil home by six!” Alex had to shout a little bit to let Peggy know the last part as she walked away and his son came running up to him, gushing about his new friend George, who Alexander has learnt from Philip spells his name Georges. “You wanna say bye to Georges, maybe you can tell him that if his dad brings him the park again tomorrow you guys can play again.” 

Philip nodded and ran off again, he was a social child. Alex didn’t expect him back for another half an hour, where in Philip would have made at least two more friends. So Alex sat on the ground outside the sandpit, pulling out his phone like all the other bored parents, he had a text from John. 

_From: Dearest Laurens:_

_Vanessa did an amazing job on my hair. What time will you be home?_

Alex didn’t reply instead he started to scan his brain for the feelings he was going to eradicate, because John would never reciprocate them and Alexander didn’t need any more distractions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't want to spoil this story before i write it, so i will update the tags as they apply. so if you are triggered by anything, check the tags before reading a new chapter. also i am sorry these are so slow, i am working on my university application at the minute and that take priority of my entire life. 
> 
> leave a comment please.


	7. kissed all the boys in your city lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander works his ass off and John gets a job.

Alexander had dropped Philip off an hour ago, and even though Eliza lived all the way uptown he thought it a good idea to walk all the way home. It gave him longer to pick at his thoughts anyway, his thoughts about work and the fact they Burr hadn't rang him in a week. _Was he even still employed?_

It didn't matter too much, after his last article about the upcoming election not only did the New York Times double the amount of articles they wanted from Alex. Leading Alex to dubbing himself their political correspondent, other online news sources had been emailing for his talents. Alexander had always thought his calling had been as a lawyer do what his mother had always taught him was right. _Uphold the law, protect the innocent, help the weak and defenceless_. Alex winced at the pain the last one caused, he hadn't been able to the help the weak and defenceless. His mother had still died all those years ago. His mother had been weak, she had used all of her last strength in holding Alex as she breathed out her last breath and the candle flame that barely flickered anymore plunged twelve-year old Alexander into darkness. Alexander hadn't helped her. 

So maybe fighting for the right in the world was someone else's call, helping people was some else’s destiny. Alex didn't want to admit to himself that he was a rubbish lawyer, he had never actually won a case on his own, always with the help of Burr. Alex had practised the law, practically perfected it - that couldn't change his personality though, his wealth of knowledge was nothing he all did was argue with the judge. He wanted to change the injustice in the world, but he wasn't doing it the right way. Alexander decided then with his head pressed against the brick wall of his house’s door frame if he could afford to be a journalist, he was going to be a journalist. If not he would have to be a lawyer, technically being self employed wouldn't pay the bills, it wouldn't pay child support. 

Alex then realised the bricks he pushed his head against were his own. So he fumbled for his key, finally finding them cutting a hole into the lining of his pocket, he reminded himself to put them in his coat next time, he didn't want to replace another pair of jeans because he got in stupidly placed hole in them. He couldn't stumbled into the house angrily anymore, no more stomping up the stairs worse than when his three year old son had a temper tantrum. Alex couldn't alert John is to his overly fluctuating mood, John wouldn't want to deal with him. Nor would he know to deal with him, not even Alex could describe how to calm Alex down. 

So Alexander creeped up the stairs and into his room, debating if it was too early for him to go to sleep and certainly not thinking what it be like to have John's tall frame wrapped around him in an attempt to slightly subdue Alexander. Alexander would begin taking Peggy’s advice to let John come to him. So that meant avoiding John mentally, which means that somehow within this tiny house Alex would have to avoid John physically. Then he heard a knock at his door and he knew that plan was foiled. 

Alexander would just have to procrastinate something for once in his life. He could start his plan tomorrow. 

“John-” Alex said as he opened the door, Alex stopped when he looked up at his face. With the now short hairs framing it. John’s jaw looked more square, Alex could hook his finger under it and run his tongue across it. Alex could go right now and push his hand through the hair, ball it up into a tight fist and pull John's face down. Alex stopped, shamefully looked to the floor. Not three hours ago Peggy had told him that John wasn't a relationship guy, John wasn't a personal contact guy. Peggy had pretty much told him John couldn't be Alex’s guy, “It looks good. I knew Vanessa would do a good job on you. Not that you need much help.”

John rolled his eyes at the obvious flirting, but Alexander only smirked. Alexander wasn't going to deny himself the right to something that was already there, he just couldn’t indulge in this too much. The fire between them that could burn down cities. Only Alexander was the flint and John was the steel, waiting for the spark of the latter to ignite them. 

“Why thank you. How’s your son?” John asked with a genuine interest. Of course he had an interest, Alex's son was the most interesting thing he knew. Philip was so smart and knowing, Alexander had never been aware of the wisdom of children until Philip. Philip was going to blow them all away, he was already blowing Alex away. 

“He's amazing, all thanks to his mother. More on you though, Peggy Schuyler has been asking after you, she wants you to stop being a stranger.” Alex explained, meeting John’s eyes. They had gone from carefree to concerned as soon as Peggy’s name had been mentioned. 

“I’ll call her, maybe. I just kind of wanted a new life.” John sighed, he didn’t want to explain to Alex. Alex could see that in the way he dipped his head to avoid Alexander’s gaze, Alex wasn’t going to ask. He wanted John to be comfortable and safe, for some reason and Alexander was going to make sure provided that to John by not pushing. 

“I'm barely a friend John, you don't need to explain yourself to a stranger.” Alex smiled and walked back into his room. Closing the door and sliding down it, lightly to not disturb the photographs Alex had tacked to the back of it. When he had been a poorer law school student and he could even afford photo frames. He the strains of a sad ‘thanks’ from John's mouth muffled by the door. Why was he being so hopeless, Alexander had always chased what he wanted. Alex needed to figure out was _so different_ about John Laurens.

* * *

John had got the job without even breaking a sweat. The interview had been two days ago and they practically offered him the job as soon as they saw the way he interacted with the patients. He took it all in his stride, John wasn't an introvert by any means but he wasn't comfortable with contact. He was scared that people would touch him in the wrong places, that if he let someone get close to him. They would know. Infact he was petrified of become close to people yet he drew to Alexander like a moth to a flame. It had broke him a little when Alex had said he was ‘barely a friend’, because John wanted to be Alexander’s. Alex could make him safe, but John couldn't make himself comfortable in enough in his body to be accepted by anyone. His hair had helped for a few days, boosted his confidence enough to make him good enough for a job, then it had hit him _it wasn't John’s job, it was Jacqueline’s._

That hadn't just hit him though, the weight that had disappeared from his shoulders when that boy got off the plane had returned to the young woman ten fold. It wasn't just a bag of rocks, it was a tonne of bricks now. As long as John wanted to be a doctor, John was forced to be Jacqueline. There was no Dr. John Laurens to his despair. John would be stuck in an eternal limbo of validating who he is supposed to be and doing what he is supposed to do. John had grown to live with his self-hatred, enough to know he would never let another person feel it. So if getting called Jacqueline and and being slow off the mark to respond because someone used the wrong pronouns, was what it took to make another displace their own helplessness. John could take it, he had took worse. 

The fact his father almost denied him the right to be a doctor bewildered him, all John had even wanted was to help people. He was good at helping people, he had a part of him that wanted to help everyone. Everything from moving a box for a shorter person to saving their lives in the emergency room. John just wanted to do it, John knew it was because he couldn’t save his mother and then he couldn’t save himself, but he pretended that it because he was a good person, a person his mother could be proud of. 

He started on Monday, today was Friday. He had a weekend to enjoy. Maybe he could finally reach out to his friends, they seemed like a good idea. Alexander had met with Peggy the day he got his haircut and she had indirectly told John not to be a stranger, yet a stranger he was still being. This was John’s chance at a normal life. 

_To: Peggy Schuyler:_

_i hope u still have the same phone number unless i look stupid. it’s john laurens xxxx_

John felt a little better, yes he wanted to be a new person but Peggy and her sisters had always been more than kind to him and understanding too. Eliza was always there for him when he got a monthly reminder he was broken. Eliza had always let him cuddle her and gave him hot water bottles and painkillers. John had actually found it hard without them in South Carolina. He had even missed Angelica, however intimidating she had been. While Peggy had been his best friend, and Eliza like another sister. He had always been able to tell Angelica everything and get an unbiased answer. It was never what he had wanted to hear, but Angelica always made it what he needed to hear. 

He couldn't wait around all weekend though, he had to enjoy himself. John couldn't bear to go out drinking, people made advances on him, advances normal people might return. But the alcohol made him more insecure, because he knew he let down his barriers when he was drunk. It all come crumbling down and he would feel worse about himself, so he couldn't reciprocate anything. That’s why he used to drink all of the time when he went back to South Carolina, if he drank, he could blame the alcohol on the self hatred he needed to feel to remind him he was alive. 

He could control himself enough go drink one beer in his home though? Surely he had that much control, John was a confusing drunk and if he was comfortable with his body he would probably be the biggest flirt. Was that something he could be around Alex, especially not with the fact Alex was a person he wanted to break his personal boundaries for. John was halfway to the fridge with a bottle opener in hand before he had even thought it would be a bad idea. Then he found himself grabbing two, one for him and one for Alex. It would only be kind to offer him one after all, Alex had been working away in his room all week. Always finding something new to write about with the upcoming EU Referendum, according to the little John had heard from Alexander it was more important to America than it seemed. 

John marched up the stairs, loud enough so Alexander knew he was coming and even though he knew he shouldn't he cracked the door open a little bit. Alex hadn't been answering it when John had been knocking. It was only enough to see if Alex was still hunched over his desk labouring at an essay that was probably perfect three drafts ago. “Alex, come downstairs and have a beer. You've been in here for the past three days straight. I ordered some Chinese food as well because you can't remember the last time you ate.”

John let the door open more, but he didn't step inside until he got a response. 

“There's still so much to write about John. I can't, you would bring some spring rolls up when the Chinese gets here though.” Alex sighed, and rubbed at his eyes. Placing his glasses on then squinting even more. Alex was so exhausted he just forgot he put his glasses over his contact lenses. 

“There is nothing more to write about, I've already read your article on the British Prime Minister’s resignation, the other one where you argue his possible replacements and the third one in which you become a British person and complain about Nigel Farage for half an hour. The pound had stabilised against the dollar now. You're not the Treasury Secretary, this is not your call anymore Alex. Plus I just got a job and I wanted to enjoy myself a little. I thought you might indulge me with your company.” John had kept rambling to keep Alex focused on him as John had walked across the room and shut his laptop, then his notebooks and gracefully put the pens back into their pots on Alexander's windowsill. 

“You got a job, that's great John. Or should I say Dr. Laurens.” Alex gave his coy smile with the remark, and John could see in the movement of his muscles that he was grudgingly getting up from his chair. John prayed Alex’s sluggish movements were from exhaustion and not from subdued anger at John for making him step away from his work.

“I've always been a doctor, Alexander. I'm not just a practising doctor. You could've been calling me Dr. Laurens the whole time.” John snapped back, he was trying to be as witty and sharp as he knew Alexander could be. While he couldn't match him on a day where Alex had eight hours sleep and some coffee. John was closing to matching the wits of completely drawn out, could possibly fall asleep walking down the stairs Alexander. That was when John did notice the collapse of Alex’s knees on the stairs, “You need to rest Alexander. If I wasn't here you might have just broke a leg and you would hate that.”

John quickly snapped his hand out to grab one of Alex's, for Alexander's balance he told himself, not because he wanted the sparks to liven him up. Then as Alex fell John let his doctor take over, putting aside his fears of contact to save him. John caught Alex, pulled him right in so his head was on John's shoulder and John's arm was around his stomach. John out his thoughts aside as he walked Alex to the bottom of the stairs, neither of them let go when they did get to the bottom. John wanted to stay because no one had ever fit his shoulder as nicely as Alexander had and the spaces between his fingers were perfectly filled. The fire in him was burning and burning and burning and John couldn't bear to put it out, he didn’t realise he even had a fire inside of him. People had always compared John to water, calm and flowing, where a tsunami could rise in anger to reign destruction. John was flames all along, but now he needed to to be water, to put himself out. 

They lead each other the sofa with no words, just opened their beers and took a long gulp. John had to break the silence though, “Don’t you already feel less stressed Alex?” He sighed and look at Alex’s eyes, they were a little mesmerising, almost completely black and so glazed over from tiredness John could see his reflection in them. It always caught John off guard seeing himself reflected. John tried to avoid mirrors, because he would always find a fault in his appearance, John would never feel masculine enough to be valid. 

“I still have so much to do though John, I’ll just have to stay up tonight and finish it.” Alex yawned mid-sentence, and John saw his eyes shutting over. John was going to say something, but when he saw Alex sliding down the couch and onto the pillow he kept quiet and let Alex sleep. John wanted to reach out and stroke his hair, guide him into sleep. Then the doorbell rang, and Alex jumped. John wasn’t overly angry, but the the guy who deliver their chinese got a nasty look from John for waking Alexander up. 

An hour later they had started watching a bad copy of Finding Dory online and John had made Alex eat at least half of his curry and now they were munching through the spring rolls Alex loved. It all seemed too good to John, too friendly, too domestic. He had already broke his one beer, and had been matching Alex bottle for bottle, and John would say he was tipsy. Sober enough to be in charge of his thoughts though, and he pushed away the fourth when Alex offered, much more and he would lose himself. He didn’t want to that with Alex, John was enjoying himself. Laughing along to Finding Dory, and not even thinking about the fact that Alex kept brushing his hands over John until they lingered a bit too long and all of a sudden John was hyper aware, and looked up at Alexander. Letting his own gaze linger for too long, seeing Alex succumb to the discomfort his was putting upon John. 

John didn’t want it to be this complicated, but he found himself wanting Alex’s hand back on him as soon as he let go and his mind was reeling. John noticed the crumbs on the side of Alexander’s mouth and he just jumped forward, he wanted this. It should make him uncomfortable, but it was Alex, and somehow that made him a bit more comfortable. If Alexander hated him afterwards, John would just say he was drunker than he was. 

“John are you okay, you’re being a bit weird?” Alexander asked, even though he’d drank as much as John he was practically sober. John wasn’t an inch away from Alex’s face now, just breathing, trying to not let any tears prick his eyes. _No more crying in New York._ He just focused on the crumbs again, and then he needed to distract himself, from all these thoughts, so his tongue darted out. The tip took the crumbs away and now John was just licking at the side of Alex’s mouth, Alexander’s eyes wide in shock. 

Then the shock died and Alex opened his mouth and took John’s tongue into it. Then their lips were together and John was _alive_ , he was sure he was actually on fire right now. Their mouths moved against each other and Alex had put a hand on John’s too curved waist and another threaded through his hair. John shook the hand from his waist, grabbed it into his own and slung it over Alex’s shoulder, pressing his other hand to a soft cheek. John was actually kissing Alexander, and Alexander hadn’t pushed him away. 

It wasn’t chaste, and neither would admit it was filled with sexual tension, a wildfire waiting to envelope the forest. Instead it was a house fire, destructive enough but it if they put it out soon enough there would be no damage. Except you can’t put a fire out from inside the house and the pushing of their lips against each other became more heated John pulled Alex’s hair so he could get him closer and Alex whined a little. The noise shot straight down John, leaving him to let out his own little groan and he pulled away, it had already gone too far. Why had he let himself do that?

John didn’t say anything just went up to his room, he would leave on Monday morning ready for work. John could already tell he messed up, he only just gotten to New York and now he wanted to leave again. He shoved the blankets over himself. John hated what he just done, he was wrong - the fact it was Alex hadn’t made him feel any less uncomfortable, it had just made it a little more enjoyable. Yet John would go downstairs and do it again if Alexander would have him, because that kiss had melted away everything else. In that moment it had just been him and Alex, he hadn’t been worried about himself or his job or his dad or anything at all until he pulled away. Than the anxiety had begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long, omg I have been writing all week and it was everything but this. I'm applying for university and doing scientific investigations and lab reports and then I just feel completely done by the time I get to doing this.
> 
> I know that kiss happened a bit soon, but i'm just following along the song lyrics for chapter titles and i couldn't pass it up, plus i had fun writing it because my john is just a confused bean who doesn't realise what alex can do for him.
> 
> Also is my characterization any good? (i've been getting really stressed over that this chapter) Remember to leave a comment!


	8. left all the stars in your city lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander's life changes up a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what this chapter is, all this stuff is supposed to happen. i just never though of the details and this is a lot rushed because i just haven't had the time to write this.

Alexander raised a finger to his lips as John ran out the room, he hadn’t just imagined that had he? John had kissed him and pulled his hair, yet he had been the one to run out on Alex. It could have been the inhibitions of the alcohol, but Alexander was completely and uncharacteristically _confused_. Alexander hadn’t realised John could be so impulsive, that was all that had been though - drunken impulse on John’s behalf. They would forget about this come sunrise, or at least Alex hoped John would. 

Except ten minutes later, Alex couldn't forget the warmth from accommodating John’s tongue in his mouth or the chilling sparks of their skin together. He wanted to nurture those chilling sparks into a coddling flame, to wrap them both in comfort and safety. Alexander didn't want to let go of the glint in John’s eyes, the way the green had sparkled with gold from the sunset outside when he pulled way. Alex could see that John hadn't wanted it to end either, his eyes had been full of hope. Or so Alexander had imagined. 

Alex was trying to forget about the way John had squirmed away from a hand on his waist. Alexander hadn't wanted to notice the way John’s waist had slimmed in comparison to his chest and hips. Alexander had just felt breathless, and while it should have made him feel like he was drowning and dying. Alex wanted it more, to be choked by John again was what Alex wanted. However Alex wasn't going to get that, for John had ran and left him - _just like all the others._

Alexander took a two glasses of water instead, one to leave by his bedside with aspirin for the morning. While the searing heat and subsequent pain of John's kiss had sobered him to the point feeling like he hadn't looked at beer in a week, Alex knew he had still drank enough to feel the repercussions of his actions. Of _all_ his actions. The other glass was for his pills, the reassuring sound of them plopping into the glass and the small fizz already making him ready to drop off. 

So Alexander zealously drank the glass of water in one go. Despite his addiction he had never quite gotten over the bitter, sticky taste of the dissolved pills and how the slurry of wet powder at the bottom amplified the taste tenfold. It was a taste the stuck to your throat, made an appearance every time you breathed, Alexander felt like throwing them back up after every breath. The disgust would return to his tongue, not only because of the taste but also of what he was doing to himself. The latter couldn't matter to him though, these pills were a small price to pay for the nightmares that would plague him instead. 

Then he lay on his bed and felt himself drift away, forgetting what had happened and realising while he didn’t want to forget about the events. Alex needed to, because becoming attached to John was turning out to be a bad move.

***

Alexander was woke by a blaring phone ringtone. It was Eliza, it was the only ringtone he would ever set to be loud and that obnoxious. The only ringtone that would get him to escape the ideal dreamless sleep Alex couldn’t enjoy. This early in the morning Eliza wouldn’t just be calling him for a chat, she had her sisters for those mornings she woke up before dawn. She used to tell Alexander to go back to sleep when he’d wake up and write for hours because an idea had struck him, or because he wanted to talk to his mother. Alexander rarely thought upon the fact his mother hadn’t wrote back in 14 years.

Alex rubbed his eyes, and pressed the green button on his phone. Ignoring the incessant banging of John’s fist on the shared wall of their rooms. “Eliza, what can I do for you at this hour?”

Eliza breaths were ragged and sharp, and for Alexander to tell that over the phone Eliza must be panicking beyond belief. “Don’t even bother talking, I’ll be there in 20 minutes.” It was Philip, it must have been for Eliza to be so uncalm. Eliza had always been his level head, the person who had never wavered or spent a moment in shock. Alexander had been more pained and anxious when she had went into labor, Eliza had somehow managed to be calm, collected. If Alex was fire, Eliza was truly the water to his flame. Strong and calming, flowing and soothing - Eliza had put him out so many times, even when she should have been the one on fire. 

Alexander was rushing, not bothering to take in the fact John was leaning against his door frame wide-eyed and confused, his mouth open with something to say but with no words coming out. Alex didn’t notice him until he needed John to get out of my way, them Alex remembered what happened last night. John probably thought that Alex was trying to escape from him, “John, I need you to move. I am well aware we need to talk but my son is more important than anything.” 

John put his hand on Alex’s chest, stopping Alex in his tracks and he felt the anger bubble. “Not now John. I. Need. To. Go.” Alex shoved the hand away, nearly using his anger to push John to floor and step over him. Alex shot John a glare, if anything was ever going to work between the two of them - even a friendship. John would have to learn that his son come first, his son was the only person in this world he would drop everything for. It was only times like this when Alexander didn’t feel like a hopeless dad, when he felt like he could be something for Philip.

So Alexander didn’t apologize to John or to any of the people he nearly ran down in the street with hs fast moving legs and fiery stare, ready to set the entire world on fire if something had happened to his son. He had nearly walked past the Schuyler household, unfocused on where he was going and more focused on the possibilities. There was a foreign car parked outside the house, one that didn’t belong to Eliza or Angelica. Peggy could have gotten a car, not that Alex had ever understood their need to have their own cars in Manhattan. Alex pulled his keys from his pocket, located the one with the sea-foam green topper and let himself in. 

“Eliza?! Philip?” Alex shouted, taking his shoes off. Angelica would cut his feet of if he got mud on her white carpet. Alexander was greeted by a suited woman from the living room, she must have been nearly forty, her hair was slightly graying and she looked at Alex with a serious look. 

“Are you Alexander Hamilton? I’m Abigail Adams from NY Child Services.” Abigail explain, using her hand to guide Alexander to the living room. Where Angelica had a fierce grip on Philip’s hand, who was looking to the floor. He had been crying, Alex knew the difference between his son’s tear and those were ones of stress and pain. _Pain?_ He didn’t bother to ask about Eliza, he was hugged into Peggy’s side - she would be fine for another two minutes. 

“Philip, what happened? Why is everyone crying and why is Miss Abigail here?” Alex opened his arms to Philip, who Angelica grudgingly surrendered to him. Quickly picking him up and resting the little man on his hip so he could make eye contact with his son. Philip didn’t open his mouth though, he just put his dead on Alex’s shoulder with whispers of ‘Papá’ into his coat. He rubbed at the curls Philip somehow managed to have, even though both Alex and Eliza had the most pin straight of hair. “It’s okay son, I got you. It’ll all be okay.” Alex rested the side of his cheek onto the top of Philip’s head and then fixated on the adults around the room, his eyes begging an explanation. 

“Philip is being placed into your custody now Mr. Hamilton. Philip was in danger due to his Aunt Peggy.” Abigail explained, and Alex wanted to be angry with Peggy, but he knew it wouldn’t be Peggy. It would be whoever Peggy was bringing home, whoever she was dating, “Miss Schuyler did volunteer to leave the house so Philip could remain with his mother but your ex-wife refused. Saying that your son would be safer with you in the long run. If you could come with me, I just have some papers you need to sign. Elizabeth has already signed her half.” 

Alex did nothing more than listen, let the words flow in and out of his ears. He spared a glance at Eliza, and held a hand to her, let his eyes speak volumes, letting her know it would be okay. So Philip was going to physically live with him, but other than that nothing would change. He would still spend his days with Eliza, spend his time sleeping in Alex’s house.

Alexander tried to convince himself that nothing was changing, despite the fact he was good at change. He had been through so much of it, but something bad had always come with change or something bad caused change. It was changes that fueled his nightmares. He didn’t want that for his son, he was going to make the world safe for Philip. 

Alexander hesitantly placed his signature on the dotted lines, and just like that ten minutes later. He had sole custody of his son and suddenly the tables were turned. Eliza had to pay him child support instead, and Alexander was confused as to why his son was being place in his custody for something so trivial. There had to be more he didn’t know about because Peggy would just stop dating this person if it was for Philip’s well being. His brain wasn’t stopping again, it never did when it came to keeping his son safe. 

Than Abigail left and there he was technically a single father. Eliza entered the room, her eyes blown, the skin underneath them left red and puffy from crying. Philip walked over to her, with more confidence and understanding than a three year old should have, he tugged up at her hand and gave her a huge smile. Eliza couldn’t help but giggle, she wiped her face a little. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, if you think Philip living with me is best I’m not arguing. You’re his mother.”

“Alex, I’m sorry. I should have warned you, but Abigail just showed up this morning with the papers demanding them be signed there and then. It didn’t help that Philip fell down the last three stairs this morning and I’m know I’m usually the strong, but today has been so draining Alex,” Eliza rambled, it wasn’t often she was this vocal. Eliza was usually reserved, only spoke when she had something to add, but she changed so much when she went through stress. Alexander enveloped her into a tight hug, the type that would have lead to some making out four years ago, but now it was a strengthening hug. One to hold her upright while she regained her composure, “I’ll explain soon. We just need to get our lives together. All three of us Alex. It’s not good for him.”

“Shhh, just relax. You’re okay, Peggy and Angelica are okay. Philip is fine. I don’t know what you’re so worried about.” Alex breathed, for the second time in a day he was confused. His brain cloudy and fuzzed up. Alex didn’t even have space to accommodate Philip, there was a difference between once a week and full time. Once a week he just slept on the couch while Philip snored soundly from his bed. What was he supposed to do with his son, he had never thought he’d be the one actually in charge of him. Never thought he would have to accept that responsibility, Alexander wasn’t dwelling on the fact that despite his intellect he could be so thoughtless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am well aware this is the worst chapter thus far, and no john because I couldn't think what to do with him in this chapter. i swear next will be better and i will get chapters out more frequently. 
> 
> also leave a comment if you're as confused as i am.


	9. left all the stars in your city lights (ii)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's take on the previous events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go read the last 2 chapters maybe it's been a while because my schedule is a little manic. It will be for the next few Saturdays (when I normally post)

John brushed down past his door, crawling over to the side of his bed. Trying not to bang his head against it. He had just been so stupid to think that kissing a boy could make him feel better about himself, make him feel more valid. Then to do it under the guise of alcohol, like a coward - John felt terrible, subjecting Alexander to his pities. 

If there had been spark with Alex, he was sure to have suffocated it by pressing their lips so tightly together, John hadn’t noticed that the both of them had been trying to get the lips even closer together. John could still feel where the groan had hit his groin, sending pulses all they through. John shook his head into his hands, hoping for the buzz of alcohol to take over him so he could drift off to sleep. The mindlessness had completely cleared when their lips had connected, now he regretted that because he just wanted to drift into his nightmares and forget about any hope his life could have. He would always feel undeserving of hope and kindness and happiness anyway. 

John threw off his clothes, feeling any hatred flow back over him tenfold at the weight of his breasts being released, he wanted to wrap his arms around them and make them disappear but at the same time he didn’t want to touch them because they disgusted him. John didn’t understand why they had to be there, when they so clearly didn’t belong to him. The blankets were pulled up to his chin in an instant, his eyes shut. Alexander’s lips still ghosting over his.

***

John awoke in a sweat, with a headache. Despite the pain already making his brain numb, he wanted to bang his head against a brick wall. To destroy the imminent remembrance of what he had done, ruining any sort of friendship with Alex. He had thought that he would have forgotten, considering his willingness to forget. Then he heard the noise that had woke him, John thought it some sort of alarm. Alex doesn't work on Saturdays, no wait Alex doesn't work away from home at all right now. 

John tapped his knuckles on the wall, praying Alexander would make it stop. It rang through his ears and made its way into the part of his brain where the alcohol had settled. John was hoping it would have diffused away by the morning, but then again, it could be 5 am for all he knew. The banging of his knuckles did nothing to help his head and the train crash that was happening, it didn’t help him either. Due to the pain in his head, his didn’t realise his knuckles starting to split until there was a little red mark on the wall. John would have to clean it later, right now he had to go back to sleep and get the banging out of his head. _Thud, thud, thud_ the beat matched that of his heart and it was almost like he could feel his heart beating in his head, like he would when he concentrated except with every beat came a jolt of pain to remind how insufferably stupid he was last night. Then there was the underlying thrum of pain that was always there, from overthinking and the weight of just being himself, always trying to put the fact he couldn’t be _himself_ to the back of his head. 

He dragged himself from bed, the sharp change in altitude despite only being a few feet made the oxygen rush from brain and left John dizzy, like he had scaled a mountain not just stood up from his bed. John gripped onto the edge of his dresser, letting it balance him, pushing all of his weight onto it. Nevermind being hung over, John still felt a little bit drunk - he knew he wasn’t but he needed there to be another reason for the dizziness and overwhelming fuzziness of his brain. John drank so he had something to blame it on, normally it was the self-hatred he perpetually carried that made his mind clouded with anger and his sight line rough around the edge. 

This was a completely different cloud though, if his anger was an overflowing raincloud, dense and full of water this was a light fluffy cloud. One a child would point to and compare to cotton candy, but the sun was still hiding behind it, it’s brightness being the thing to cause the pain in his head. Forcing John to think about the cause under his hangover. John knew exactly what it was though, he should have known the beer wouldn’t help him to forget something that made him feel so alive for the first time in forever. Forgetting the anxiety that had overtook him once they parted, the warmth of Alexander’s lips crept up into a blush on his cheeks. John sighed as he remembered, he wanted to feel it again and again and again. John hadn’t admitted it last night, but there had actually been something comforting about finally feeling a spark with someone and letting himself act on it. Like John was finally taking some control of his life - maybe he could put the self-loathing behind, maybe if he just asked nicely he could spark up a fire with Alexander. One to keep John warm and safe, but also smother him and set him alight at the same time. 

John needed to confront Alex, while it was still in his memory. To be brave and reckless, like he had been as a happy child, brave and reckless and unafraid of life and it’s obstacles. Alexander was just another obstacle to overcome, John just need to ask if Alex wanted coffee. Bring up the kiss, and then ask if Alex wanted coffee, it couldn’t be that hard. 

First he grabbed some clothes though, shoving the binder on. It woke him up a little, or at least reminded him who he was supposed to be. _John_ , not Jacqueline - Jacqueline was the one cowering away from Alexander, she had been used to hiding and not getting what she wanted her entire life. Whereas John was going to achieve his cause, he would stop at nothing to get what he wanted and right now that included Alex. 

The shrieking alarm had also stopped, and he could hear the laboured breathing through the wall. Alex was panicking? John reached into the doctor part of his mind and the part of his mind that had held his sibling after their mother. John would hold Alex and rub his back, let him cry into his shoulder if that’s what it took. John couldn’t see the bottom of the hole he was letting himself fall into, someone would surely catch him at the bottom - he had fell before though, and he’d always caught himself. John just wanted someone to catch him, a specific someone though and now John was dragging his feet, unable to take control of his limbs. They knew what he needed to do, and they weren’t going to let him fade away in fear. 

John was unconsciously staring at Alexander, unable to speak as the ragged man before him rushed around the room, grabbing keys and shoes and completely ignoring him. Despite the fact John was trying to make his presence known, so Alexander would even just look at him. His mouth wouldn’t make a noise and if he was breathing the breaths were completely silent, it was gaping opening. What Alexander was doing John didn’t know, but he couldn’t let Alex leave without them talking - so John tried to fill the doorframe with his body and block it, stop Alex from leaving. 

Alexander finally looked to him, his eyes intense, almost angry, but still captivating. “John, I need you to move. I am well aware we need to talk but my son is more important than anything.” Alexander stared straight through him, but John was overcome by selfishness and pushed his hand into Alexander’s chest. There was something off about it though, it wasn’t filled with sparks and small flames. It burned John, but he kept his hand there, trying to keep Alex where he needed him. 

“Not now John. I. Need. To. Go.” Alexander grabbed John’s wrist and shoved him off, the burn subsiding as his palm was relieved by the cool air between them. John didn’t understand the selfishness that had taken him, dropping his head as Alex pushed past and ran from the house in the blink of an eye. Alex didn’t apologize, but then John had realised what he said. _His son_ , Alexander had no reason to apologize for his actions. 

If it was anyone who had to, it would have been John. It had only been an extra three minutes, but John didn’t know what had happened to Philip, he had no right to know anyway. He could only hope that those three minutes didn’t bring any more danger to Philip, he couldn't live with himself as a doctor or a brother or just a person if he endangered a child. John tried to put it aside in his brain, parents panicked over the smallest, insignificant things. Like the time his mother broke down in tears because Martha had cut herself on a kitchen knife - Philip has probably fallen down a stair or two, he assured himself and if it's more than a few stairs there are doctors much better than himself to take care of the little man. 

The small memory of his sister reminded him he hadn't been in contact as much as he would like, he hadn't even picked up his phone since texting Peggy yesterday anyway. 

_To: Martha!!!!:_

_will you tell dad i got a job as a doctor and that he can shove his money up his ass, your big brother loves you xxxx_

_From: Peggy Schuyler:_

_JOHN!!! why didn't you tell any of us you were back, also i'd love to see you again but now isn't a great time my sisters and i are going through some shit._

John already knew he shouldn't have told Martha that, but in his moment of impulse all he had thought about was the overwhelming freedom he would get from finally being separated from his father's money. How it would feel to actually provide for himself. He had told himself during college that he was providing for himself, pretending that every time he was denied a shift at the coffee shop he hadn't dipped into his trust fund for the 'wages he would have gotten from that work’ (and some more). John had wanted to prove himself, but all he had proved was the he would always be dependent on someone. He hadn't found that someone in New York, the last time it had been the Schuylers and they had been so kind to him. He needed someone else this time though, the Schuylers had each other and they were closer than ever. 

John knew what he wanted though, a certain man with raven hair, intense eyes and a three year old son. One that had made him feel completely alive again. John was trying to tell himself that was because Alexander was the only new person he had met since he got here, and Alex had been nothing but accommodating and kind to him. John knew there was something underlying the man and he wanted to find it out, make it disappear from Alexander’s head. John just somehow knew that Alex wouldn't reject who he was, Alex would comfortable with the fact John was trans and maybe if they let themselves they could love each other. Not that John was falling in love with Alex, he had no more than a healthy infatuation for an attractive, elusive man. 

John was snapped out his thoughts by a buzzing phone however. 

_From: Martha!!!!_

_well done jack! as much as you'd love for dad to stop sending you money, you'll have to tell him that yourself. you're a fab doctor xxx_

John remembered what he was supposed to do today, not wallowing in his feelings or what could be. It was now ten thirty, so he decided to go shopping, he needed clothes and shoes for his job and the fridge was looking a bit bare. So he fought with the laces on a pair of converse, not even remembering if they were his or Alexander's, because they happened to have the same shoe size and must have had five pairs of black converse between them. He guessed they were Alex's from the way they had been tied, but he didn't care, grabbing his keys and a hair tie and rushing out the door. The air of New York City renewing his hangover and the pulsing in his beginning to match with the constant horn-honking of taxi cabs.

***

John came home hours later, trying to avoid the house all day so by the time he got home Alexander had already went to his room to work and John could avoid him, because John didn't know where to begin with the imminent apology he needed to give Alexander. He pushed the door open with his shoulder due to the bags in his hands, filled with scrubs, clothes and shoes appropriate for the hospital. John dropped them at the door, closing and locking it behind him. 

Then he noticed Alexander was staring at him from the couch, some children's show on the television. Alex was lying across the sofa, head peaking off the end to look at John and it wasn't until John walked to the other side of the room he noticed the small child curled up into Alex's chest. Clearly asleep. John could also see Alexander's struggles as he tried to keep Philip's curls from tickling his child. 

John cast his eyes down, looking at the laces on Alexander's shoes. “Sorry about last night and this morning.” John had rambled it out quickly before it escaped him to say it. 

“Don't worry about it, I have more important things. I am now a single father to Philip, Eliza's fine though, she just doesn't want Philip to be in her house anymore. She wouldn't tell me what was going on though.” Alexander explained, carefully trying to run and hand through his greasy hair and remove it from his eyes. 

“I text Peggy and she said something similar. They'll tell us in their own time,” John smiled, the tension between then was different and building. They both knew exactly what they had to address, but neither of them would bother to stubborn or scared to bring it up. The tension was turning to anger and burning, it had been calming when they met but now it was beginning to erupt, leaving damage in it’s wake, “I know we don't have the space, I'll sleep on the couch so you can sleep in my bed and then Philip in yours. Don't worry about it.”

Before Alexander could argue, John hearing a sharp but from his mouth. John had raced upstairs with his shopping bags. Knowing that encouter could have gone a lot worse, it made him relieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot will start to move along again next chapter I swear, I just felt like John's take on this day was important as well and it took me a whole chapter just as it did with Alexander. 
> 
> The next chapter will be late as well because its my citys pride even at the weekend!!!
> 
> Leave a comment please.


	10. can you fake it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John starts his new job and Alexander gets a truth.

John woke up on Monday morning to a squeal from the kitchen, while he didn’t mind because his alarm was going to wake him up in ten minutes. It was a shrill wake up call that reverberated through his ears, a sudden wake up, opposed to the gentle one he was expecting. He then remembered why he had been going to wake up early, John was finally a doctor. His first shift was a twelve hour one that started at 10am, at the memory of that John groaned and rolled back over into his pillow. Well not his pillow, just the couch cushion, he had slept on the couch for the past two nights - so Alexander’s son could be comfortable. His back ached and between the couch and the fact he fell asleep with his binder on, he wasn’t sure he would be able to stand up straight. 

Falling asleep with his binder on was no strange feat however, he was guilty of doing more and more often, especially now he wasn’t sleeping in a room he could lock. Where Alex or even Philip could walk in, see John at his full vulnerability, that scared him. Shook him in his boots, and actually absolutely terrified him. When, no _if_ he tells Alexander what he is, it would be his own terms at his own pace, in his own time. It shouldn’t embarrass him so much, but it ran through John’s mind in the sense of _if I can’t even be a man properly, than what can I do?_ Before he got up from his small makeshift mattress, he had to make the decision on whether he would wear his binder to work or not. He had bought his scrubs to fit over him without it on, but he couldn’t bring himself to let his confidence fall that much just to make an employer happy. Maybe John could just wear a tight sport bra, he would wear his binder but it might cripple his back if he doesn’t take a break from it. He had only taken it off for his shower in the past weekend, living with a stranger who didn’t know of his condition was taking it toll. Constantly at risk of being discovered, John would survive an hour of breakfast without his lungs collapsing though. 

So he rolled from the couch, landing with a thud on the floor. Letting out a gentle laugh as he flicked his hair from his face, at the noise Philip came bounding into the room. “John, Papa’s made pancakes and waffles and he told me to say sorry for waking you up.” Philip rambled in his cute little voice, just like his dad would always do. Too many words and not enough time for them all. John stood up, grabbing the small boys hand, per the request of the outstretched chubby fingers pointing up to John’s hand. 

As he was dragged into the kitchen by a seemingly overwhelming and strong force from such a little man, John smiled at the simple domesticity of it. Alexander was flipping over the waffle maker, reaching for the coffee and putting a generous serving into the mug John had already claimed as his favourite. Dropping a waffle and pancake onto the plate, then gently pushing it toward John with a toothy, sleepy smile. John grinned back at him, a small tear coming to his eye when Alex’s eyes lit up at the acceptance of his breakfast. John couldn’t let himself get used to sweet coffee, sweet waffles and sweet smiles before work though, he didn’t deserve it. Alexander wasn’t his and neither was Philip, that would require a miracle. People like John didn’t get a miracle, they got mediocre at best.

***

John was ready to cry by the time he got his lunch (they called it that, it was more like dinner time though) break, he thought he could handle a Jacqueline here, and a reference to her there. They should be referring to him as Doctor anyway? Since walking through the door every single person had called him Jacqueline, asked _her_ what _she_ was doing. They didn’t hear the venom that injected through the words into John’s head though, he only had himself to blame though. He could have just told them that he preferred - no, needed to be called John.

The hard part wasn’t being a doctor, well not yet. It would get harder as they come to trust his skills and knowledge more, he had been left with a few routine tests and patients for the day. Mostly paperwork, he had learned while gathering the experience he needed to complete his degree, they always gave the youngest the paperwork. Signing papers wasn’t hard, remembering to only use J. Laurens had become easier over the hours and now he had 5 more hours of being emotionally drained before he could collapse on to the sofa and sleep. Ready to do it all again tomorrow. 

He was sitting at the edge of the registrar's desk, signing more papers to authorise scans and tests his patients needed. “Jacqueline?!” was shouted across the ward, more than once as well. It was like a cry of hate and it took all his professional training and pleas for any control to stop him from shouting ‘MY NAME IS JOHN’. Still he went to the call, seeing them restraining a patient. 

“Laurens, I need you to grab some anesthesia. It’s the only way he’ll cooperate.” It was an order from one of the senior doctors, one who had already seemed to cottoned onto the fact that ‘Laurens’ was the only way he’d cooperate. John just nodded, let his feet carry him to the pharmaceutical room calculating the dose in head, based on the weight and build of the man. 

“4% Propofol, 500 milligrams. Now!” John shouted at the pharmacist, loving the chaos of the hospital and the feeling that it gave him. It just gave him the complete feeling of control and helping the helpless. If he didn’t help, he could be responsible for the downfall of the these people. Then he was handed the tray with the doses of anesthesia on, almost running to take them back to patient. Refraining himself though, it was reckless to run with needles and he wanted actually keep this job. 

To have respect for himself and not because of who his father was would be music to his ears, fulfill him and succeed for himself. John was going to grab every opportunity by the hands, head first. However selfish it might be, it was to make himself better, it’s not like he had anyone to improve himself for. Maybe though, if he could take this and use to embrace himself, who he was and who he wanted to be, he could find someone. Someone to be proud of and rely on and support. John knew who he wanted that someone to be, the domestic scene from this morning playing through his mind, becoming more and more romantic as it happened again. The feeling of Alexander’s lips ghosting over his again, but not with the tension that now bonded them, the aggressive tension the small boy in their presence had seemed to erase. 

John was going to have to address it soon enough, not just for his mind but for his actual health. He wanted his bed back and his privacy. John needed his privacy, for his peace of mind. It had only been two days but, the paranoia was beginning to overtake him. He was going to have to talk to Alexander when he got home, address the situation at hand. Tell him everything within reason if that’s what it took. 

After this revelation however, the day dragged allowing his nerves and anger to build like a wall at the front of his head. Just like the one Alexander clearly had at the forefront of his thoughts, the one John would love to break so he could know the man better. His own barrier could never be as strong though, in fact the closer you got to him the more guarded he became - John would have to find a way to let it crumble though. He had to confront Alexander, so he mindlessly went around the paperwork that had been piling in front as of him as he swimmed through his thoughts. Pushing it back so the day would go by faster.

* * *

Alexander was gripping the table, his knuckles white as the phone beeped. Eliza had just hung up on him, demanded to see Philip and hung up on him. Alexander couldn’t leave her be, but she was in state to see her son. Even Alex hadn’t even been sure if Eliza was angry or heartbroken or sad, but the tone of her voice was something he feared. 

_To: Best of Women (ElizA):_

_I’m coming over, I’ll bring Philip._

Alexander didn’t used emojis or kisses, it was a statement. Not one that could be negotiated, because there was clearly something going on with her. With her entire family, Peggy had stopped texting him memes and his constant witty banter with Angelica was reduced to scraps of conversation. “Philip, come here son.” Alex poked his head into the living room to see Philip already pulling on his velcro shoes, clearly excited to see his mother. Alex wasn’t letting Philip near her until she was calmed down, he would never accuse her of being a bad mother, she was a better mother now then Alexander could ever be father. 

Eliza could be reckless though, especially in the face of anger. After their fallout because of Alex’s infidelity, she had started a fire of Alexander’s work. All of his underclassman work had gone up in flames, all of the letters and notes she had wrote him as well. She had been so quietly angry, any innocence she had up in flames with his work. Alexander wasn’t the cause this time though, he could help - couldn’t he?

So they left the house and made their way to Harlem. Alexander holding Philip’s hand with one and typing away with the other, so familiar with his phone’s layout he sent a text to John without looking. He had to make sure Phil didn’t try to run on the road. 

_To: Dearest Laurens:  
I’ve got to help Eliza with some stuff, I might not be home. Sleep in your own bed tonight, I could see your back hurting this morning. :) xxx _

Alexander smiled a little bit, remembering the scene of this morning and how he had wanted to erase the feelings for John that were slowly building. Then they had kissed, and Alex wanted that for the rest of his life. It had felt like magic and Alexander should’ve asked by now, what was going on in the beautiful head that John kept locked away. _The next time they talk, Alex will make sure they talk about that._

It was twenty minutes on the subway and then another ten minute walk but they were here and Alexander let himself in. Philip made a beeline for the couch where you could see Eliza’s brown hair peeking over the top, Alex knelt down and steered him away. “Hey, go play in your room with I talk to your Mommy please?” Philip complied without even batting an eyelash and Alex thought how lucky he was to have a son that listened to him so intently, without caution or questioning.

Then he met with Eliza’s eyes, finally figuring out it was sadness that she felt, maybe a pang of anger in there. His own face dropped, they could read each other so easily, they relied on each other to hold themselves together and right now Alex was crumbling just as Eliza was. Despite the failed romantic attempts, and the evidence of that in their son. They surely wouldn’t live without each other. Alexander put on his brave face though, the one that got him to America when all he wanted to do was drown, the one that had found it’s way out when he was going to be a father. 

He grabbed Eliza’s chin and tilted it up, forcing his eyes to look into her’s. They mellow a little bit as Eliza pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, it was desperate and despite the fact she had been there two seconds, his shoulder was already soaked through with tears. “What’s going on, Philip and then this. Where’s Ange and Peg?” Alex’s voice shook as his words cut through the silence, the only other noise was the heart wrenching sobbing of Eliza. Her breath sharp and ragged, forcing the air into her lungs. 

“They went to Albany, to see Mom.” Eliza tried to explain, but as she continued it became harder to understand her words beginning to run into one another. Alex rand hands up and down her spine, carded her hair in his fingers from root to tip. He did everything that should calm her, but none of it worked, her knuckles had gone beyond white as he pulled at the fabric of Alex’s jacket and her sadness permeated the whole atmosphere, seeped into them bit by bit until even Alexander’s braveness was broken and he had a few tear tracks down his face. He didn’t even know what he was crying over yet, but anything personal to Eliza was personal to him too, because his dear Betsey’s feelings affected his own in large quantities. 

“Alexander,” she grabbed his face, used her thumbs to wipe the edges of his unnecessary tears away. “My dad is gone. He’s gone and I can’t even face my mother enough to support her through this, she might have have agreed with me but she loved him and I’m her daughter and I can’t bring myself to even help her through this.” 

Alexander stopped thinking for one moment, Philip Schuyler. Gone? That man had made sure he went through college with only the promise that Alex would make sure his daughters stayed there. That man had been one of the few to believe in him, Philip Schuyler was dead, he couldn’t let that he his problem though. Catharine Schuyler had never accepted Alexander into the family, he wouldn’t be welcome to comfort Eliza or take the small reassurances he needed now. 

“Eliza, you need to go to Albany. Angelica and Peggy will be lost without you. Angelica loves you more than I ever could, you know she will put you and Peggy before herself. Peggy isn’t enough to stop her from wasting away, your sisters need you, your mother as well. I’m always, always on the other side of a phone Betsey. For you and Philip, I drop everything.”

Alex let go and went to get Philip, he knew that being able to just watch him play would at least put a superficial smile on her face. Then it did, in fact the smile that plastered her as Philip made a play-doh family may have even been real, a tiny laugh escaping her as Philip explained what he had one in making the family. Then Philip started talking about John, “Mommy, Papa has a new friend called John. But I think Papa wants to kiss his friend because he looks really happy when John is there.” 

Eliza send a small wink Alexander’s way, “Really, tell me more about how Papa wants to kiss John.” So Philip continued with how John wanted to kiss Papa as well though, because John is sleeping on the couch for Papa’s sake, but in the end a small play-doh John was added to the family before Philip started adding the Schuylers.

“Mommy, when can I see grandpa? He always give me candy, he says I’m not supposed to tell you but it only a little bit of candy.” Philip didn’t realise the velocity of the question, it was completely innocent considering they hadn’t even brought up the topic of Philip Schuyler yet. Eliza tried to wipe her tears, stop their son from catching on. 

“We gotta go Philip, your Mommy’s going away for a few days. Catching up with Auntie Angelica and Aunt Peggy on their travels. She needs to sleep.” Alexander pushed him into the hallway, and then pulled Eliza into a hug. 

“What I am supposed to do without you Alexander?” She asked, rubbing his back. He laughed a little, the simplicity in her question was beautiful, because really she didn’t need him - he was just an attachment to her life. 

“You don’t need me, go and be with your sisters. I’ve got Philip, you can see him when you want. Just show up at my house. I’m always there.” He smiled and walked to the front door, opting to pick Philip up because the little boy had just let out an enormous yawn, much like the one Alexander could feel creeping up on him. Today had been too tiring and now he had to go home and be wide awake, to argue with John, to ruin it all again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK FAR TOO LONG I AM SO SORRY. I am going to pick up the pace in writing, plus I'm really looking forward to writing the next chapter.
> 
> please keep me motivated with comments (i mean i'm motivated enough to finish this, but i might do it quicker if you love me)


	11. i lost my way in your city lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander and John finally confront each other about that kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS TOOK TOO LONG BECAUSE I FORGOT I WAS GOING TO STAY AT A UNIVERSITY/COLLEGE THAT I'M APPLYING TO FOR A WEEK (oops sorry)
> 
> i can't even promise there will be a chapter next week because after that week i now have to write an essay on the eradication of malaria for the 23rd of august. so if i'll probably not post until after then.

Alexander carried home a sleeping Philip, rested on his hip, a little drool on his shoulder and hair tickling his cheek. He smiled, despite the evening his son never failed to make him so proud and surprised. Alex had no idea why he was proud of his son for sleep, except for talking and eating - sleeping was the only other thing he seemed to do. Alexander could be a little jealous at times, wishing he could sleep as easy as his son but the time to fix that was passed, all he could do is make sure Philip slept easy for the rest of his life. 

Luckily Alex was entering the house at the same time as John, they shared a knowing look toward the little boy and decided not to speak, not to wake him up. Little did John know, Philip could sleep through a riot, but because he wasn’t awake. The tension that seemed to crumble when he was bustling and awake, constantly bouncing around had built up between them again. Leaving an awkwardness in the air that neither wanted to address but Alexander was going to take the plunge, as soon as he had put this little man to bed. 

“I’m going to put Philip to bed, what do you want to eat?” Alexander didn’t wait for the response, he just stomped up the stairs, a little bit of anger within him. John had just stared right through him, all of affections of the morning gone and the fantasy Philip had made him imagine - well just a fantasy. John did want him though, he might have been drunk but John was the one who kissed him first. A drunk mind speaks a sober mind’s thoughts, or in this case just perform a sober mind’s fantasies. Alexander might have just been a scapegoat though and he couldn’t stomach not knowing. The way John had stared through him now stalking his thoughts, he had just been a drunken escapade. It was probably meant to go further before John had ran away, probably because of something Alex had done. 

Alexander had promised himself that he would forget about these feelings, let them die off and fade away. A candle flame blown out by the wind, but the closer he got to acting upon them, the more he desired to just let him. John wouldn’t deny him, Alexander was clever enough to know that John was feeling something for him as well. John wouldn’t be so awkward and ignorant toward him, if the spark wasn’t reciprocated. In Alexander’s mind it took two things to light up a spark, if he was the first John had to be the second. 

Normally Philip would demand a story, and Alexander would oblige - reading to Philip in his calmest, most soothing voice. The voice he would try to use with John, to not anger him, keep John calm and within his control. But tonight Philip was already asleep and Alex had to gently remove his coat and shoes, and even though he should put him in his pyjamas as not to confuse the child. He was asleep and if Alex woke him up, it would be hell to get him back to sleep. A little bit of confusion in the morning could be dealt with. 

Alexander was hesitating going downstairs, just watching his son sleeping. Alex’s eyes were wide in fascination as Philip rolled around, how could such a small guy make such big ripples in the bed sheets. The snoring was quiet but sweet, almost leaving Alex to ‘aw’ - he refrained from making a noise though. Ready to leave the room when John appeared in the doorway, blocking him from leaving, just like the day Philip had been given to him for the unforeseeable future.

Once again they were both struck a little helpless by the domesticity of it all again. Left imagining it could be their son in the bed. But it was quickly broken, Alex pushed John away. Down the stairs, putting his mind into a confrontational state, uncharacteristically though, he couldn’t even think of a basis for his argument. He just knew he needed to argue with John. 

That was until John came downstairs, hunching over, rubbing his back. The beginning of bags under his eyes bringing out the green tints that Alexander had called bright the first day they met. Then there it was, the pang of want and need, to be satisfied. He didn’t want to fight John at all, he wanted to take him in his arms, rub circles in the younger’s back. Take away the pain from the back that had clearly been bothering him for days. Alexander didn’t know what had overcome him though, those feelings he had wanted rid of. Now all he wanted was those, he could just go and get John right now if he was brave enough. If Peggy’s words about John didn’t echo in his head - _John’s had a tough life. John isn’t a relationship guy._ Or the way John had ran away from him all those days ago didn’t haunt him. 

Then John broke his endless thought trail, “About the other day,” he sighed, sitting on the armchair across from the sofa which now doubled as John’s bed. Alexander pulled the blankets that were bunched up at the bottom of the sofa, neither of them cared enough to fold them up and make it look they. They had no one to impress, “I was drunk and I just wanted you to know that I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I’m just not great with physical contact because of my own reasons.”

Just when Alexander was about to chime in with some half-assed response, John added. “Don’t blame yourself, and don’t worry. I like you - I’ll tell you in my own time.”

Alexander couldn’t help the question that slipped out his mouth as, “Tell me what John?” Alex nearly slapped himself, John had literally just told him that he would reveal in his own time, but Alexander would always push his own curiosity in what ever he did. He could see the anger flare up in John’s eyes, Alex having clearly overstepped his mark. 

“I shouldn’t have said that, sorry John. Curiosity killed the cat, I know.” Alex said, moving toward the angry John with his hands up in mock surrender. He stared straight into the hazel eyes before him, now more brown than green again. No one said any words again, and any progress Alexander could have made was stifled - once again by his stupidity. That’s when John surprised him.

“Fuck it, fuck this, fuck you.” John repeated, quietly at first becoming an mantra. Alex was trying to find a place to cut in, to ask him what was wrong. He would do it sincerely if John would just stop to take a breath, his eyes becoming panicked and glassed from a lack of blinking. He was staring through Alexander again, but that was because his vision would have went blurry from not focusing his eyes. Then he blinked, looking blissfully peaceful as his eyelids shut. Maybe in another life Alexander would have leant to kiss them, because now he was knelt in front of the chair John had slumped himself on. His hands still raised, ready to grab John into a hug if he was honest. 

Alexander was wondering why John hadn’t just said ‘fuck off’ yet, because it seemed like the only appropriate use of ’fuck’ for this situation. Yet here John was still, sort of giving Alexander a chance. Then he blinked again, this time Alexander focused on his freckles. He couldn’t seem to describe the way they glowed, even though they couldn’t actually be glowing, just the little light in the room reflecting off them. John sighed and some tears clearly come to his eyes, he finally caves in though and grabs Alexander’s hands. Pulling him to his feet.

Then Alexander couldn’t take the heat and the pressure, and he was wondering what had took himself so long. It would probably make the tension worse, but he needed it. Almost an animalistic desire stirring in his chest, an explosion imminent. How had he not been this impulsive earlier, while John seemed to calm him - it wasn’t working anymore. John had been becoming obsessed with himself and his work, and Alexander could understand that - Alex couldn’t expect John to put him first, but staring straight through him and only talking to keep him up appearances with a three year old who couldn’t care less was starting to grate on Alexander. 

He pulled John to his feet, ignoring the small groan that came out of the other when he was sharply brought to his feet. Alexander had momentarily forgotten the extra few inches John had on his height though, so he craned his head up. Looking for an ounce of permission in John’s eyes, surprisingly it was there. So he tiptoed up and pressed their lips together. Nothing like the first time, this was sweet and mutual, set to fix their problems not create them. John was the one that moved them closer together, wrapping his arms around Alex’s hips. The kiss deepened, but there was still no sexual intent to it - their mouths had opened, but not to slip tongues in. To share more heat between them, because now it was too warm to function.

* * *

John was reeling in the sensation. Alexander lips on his again, but this time he could enjoy it. Letting himself be controlled, relying on Alexander’s arms to keep him standing, because without them his knees would have collapsed from the relief of it all. He should have known that some part of Alexander had lusted for him to, well it had and he had pushed it away because no one would be stupid enough to fall for John. Alexander’s feeling would soon fade away once he knew what John was, no one had ever stayed past that revelation. 

John was scared though, even as Alexander offered solace in his lips and arms. The way he gently grasped John’s neck, remembering how John had flinched when he touch the curve of his waist. Alexander’s calloused thumb rubbed over the hairline at the back of his neck, John mewled into the kiss a little bit. Then realising he needed to breathe, but as if they were telepathic. They both pulled away at the same time, eyes fluttering open and John looked straight to the floor, he didn’t want to look into the captivating eyes that would continue the magic of what happened. He didn’t deserve it to continue, not until he spilled his secrets. 

Then he saw Alexander’s devious smile, his fingers had tangled into the curls. Not tugging or pulling, just an effort to keep John close. “What’s up, John?” Alexander said absentmindedly, twirling a curl around his finger, trying to connect with John’s eyes again. 

“This, I can’t do it without doing something else. Alex, I want this, but it’s too hard for me to do. I can’t be close to you, not like this.” John stated, trying to wriggle from the comfort and warmth of Alexander’s arms. He held John too close though, and it gave him a little relief, because in reality he wanted Alex to keep him there. It made him feel a little more safe, like he could face the world. So John just breathed, taking in deep breaths and putting his forehead on Alex’s. Where he knew Alexander could see the small tears piling into the corner of his eyes, but Alexander surprised him and wiped them away for John. 

“I don’t know what you’re thinking John. I haven’t know you very long, but I want to know you. I want to do this too, I’ve told myself that I can’t, that I don’t want to. You’ve stolen your way into my affections, dearest Laurens. With your bright eyes and cheeky smile, I’m afraid I will always have a part of myself for you. Even if you left me tomorrow. “ Alexander was almost glowing as he talked to John, a gleaming smile on his face. 

John was conflicted, he could just take Alexander and all he had to offer or he could be honest. He wouldn’t get both. John was too hopeful at times though and he’s read Alexander’s blog. He was always writing about LGBT rights, supporting everyone outright. To change the way Alexander thought about him personally is what scared him though, the rational side knew Alexander would accept he was trans, but would he accept that it was _him - John_. Someone he very clearly had feelings about, would Alexander still want him. 

While he had become lost in his thoughts, the two of them had started to move their lips lazily along the other. Like they had been at this for years and the both of them had just come home from work. John arms were looped loosely and low on the Alexander’s hip, John’s hands sitting in the curve where his back met his ass. As well as lazy, it was slow and blinding. John forgetting where he was and everything just for a minute. Then his phone rang, but it wasn’t a normal ringing, it was a blaring, incessant beeping. It could only tell him one thing, that was his father. 

John sighed against Alexander’s lips. “I have to answer that - it’s my father.” They pulled apart and John reluctantly picked up his phone, not prepared for wave of hatred that overcome him, once again being reminded he wasn’t right, and that he never would be. 

“Jacqueline. I heard you found a job,” Henry’s voice was monotone, showing no emotion toward his daughter, the one that he carted away because she was too rebellious. John couldn’t help but imagine how his image would be destroyed if his father had seen him not two minutes ago, Henry’s trans son kissing another man. John would likely be dead if that ever happened, “I’m in New York, with your siblings. I suggest you make your way to JFK Airport, within the next hour. You’ll stay with us for the week.”

“Yes dad, I’ll be there as soon as I can be.” John said, his face dropped. He didn’t know why his father was in New York, but John was finally just being himself, accepting what he wanted and who he was. That man would kill John, both mentally by suppressing and probably literally if he ever found about any of this. Then there was a beep, his father had hung up on him without telling John a gate or a time or a place. He knew he had no choice other than to go, he did miss his siblings. 

“Alexander, look at me. My father is in New York and I have to stay with him. I need to tell you something important because I will not have you finding out from him.” John shook his head, he didn’t want it to be like this. This was rushed and forced, but he’d rather have it on these terms than on his father’s. Alexander grabbed his hands and looked John in the eye with revere and questioning and John’s heart broke a little because he didn’t want Alex’s opinion of him to change - not when Alex thought so highly of John in such a short space of time.

John’s hands shook and his breathing sped up, and he used one hand to book and Uber for ten minutes time. That gave him a time limit of five to do this, if he left it four and a half he could say it and run. Not having to see Alex’s reactions, to the revelation. 

Alexander tapped his chin and gave reassuring smile, John took in a breath and just let it out, “I’mtransandIhavetogoinfiveminutesbutIhadtotellyousomydaddoesn’texcepthedoesn’tknow.” John’s head was spinning and he felt light headed, falling a little into Alexander’s now open arms. 

“I kinda caught the message, but do you wanna say that again with breathing John?” Alex laughed a little bit, he didn’t care. Of course he didn’t care, he just wrapped John into a tight embrace. 

“I’m trans, designated female at birth, but that was very clearly wrong. If you see my dad, it’s she and her and my name is Jacqueline. You don’t hate me do you?” John sighed, he felt good but Alexander’s answer could make it so he was floating on clouds or burning alive. 

“How could I hate you? You’re John, nothing is changing that. I want to help you and the first way to accept that’s just you. Now I don’t want to be pedantic, but you should take your binder off and go see your dad. I won’t out you if that’s not what you want. I’d rather you be closeted and happy than out and sad. I appreciate your trust in me.” 

John untangled himself to run up the stairs, pull off his binder and put on a bra. He could go in his scrubs, his father might actually believe he’s a doctor then. “Wait Alexander, thank you. It means more than you think it does.” John smiled, sincerity and thankfulness filling him, Alexander standing at the bottom of the stairs. The Uber was already honking outside, but when he grabbed Alex’s arm to pull him into a kiss, this one deep and conveying all of his gratefulness. 

John could get far too used to this, it’s a shame his father would probably just ruin it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT JUST HAPPENED OMG THIS IS KICKING THE HELL OFF NOW. 
> 
> Henry Laurens is back and John and Alex are finally being John and Alex and nothing is going to plan, things are still going to get worse omg
> 
> leave a comment scalding me for not being quick enough thanks


	12. we stole the fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John sees his family and Alexander tries to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i always apologise for how long these things take but i think i'm starting to come to terms with the fact i'm a slow writer compared to other multi fic writers in the Alex/John tag.

John banged his head against the tinted window of the Uber. The day had been going so well and his father just ruined it, Henry Laurens wasn’t even aware of what he had just ended. Henry Laurens couldn’t be aware of what happened, how Alexander had made him feel. 

John was trying to focus on the positives, his siblings. Martha so young and beautiful - untainted by father because he had always concentrated on his eldest daughter (who wasn’t a daughter at all, but that was a fact Henry wasn’t likely to ever know). Junior, trying to separate himself from the family, he had always seen the faults in their dad’s regime. Jemmy, too young to understand but still completely overtaken by Henry’s influence. Jemmy was just too young to remember their mother, sweet and kinding and loving. Then Mary Eleanor, forgotten and innocent and John had probably had more of a hand in raising her than Henry did.

They were the only positives though, the rest was a ever growing wave of negatives. His father and the crushing realisation that he was a girl, at least in image. The screaming in his brain between the two conflicting sides - his mind and _her_ body beginning their fight for control again. Alexander had made it stop, if only for a moment with his acceptance of John. He clutched his chest, trying to hide it - his breaths becoming a bit more shallow. It was only his family, yes his father was the kindest, but they were his _family_ and they shouldn’t make him panic in the way he was beginning to. 

So he just shut his eyes against the glass and waited until he got to the airport an incoming text finally telling him where to find his father. 

John wouldn’t say he fell asleep, but the Uber driver was shaking his shoulder when they reached the airport. “We’re here kid, wake up.” The driver’s voice was soft and gentle, not like the scream his father would have woke John up with.

“Sorry about that, long enough day and now my dad makes me come and pick him up. Thanks for waking me up!” John quickly rambled, pressing an extra twenty dollars into the driver’s palm with a knowing nod and a smile. He unbuckled the seatbelt and scurried away quickly - John was already late. He was going to get scalded for his hair, which he had just forgot about until he felt a curl brush against his neck. The ends were still choppy and a little fresh, not only did the hair make John feel like John, like a guy, like he was a little more correct. His long hair hadn’t been healthy either, the ends had been split and frizzy and the short curls were smooth and he couldn’t help but run his hand through the ends, having been caught doing it more than once. Then he remember what Alexander’s hands had felt like, twirling and tugging on the ends, but it didn’t fill him with remorse. It brightened him, knowing he could have it again. Eventually - once his father had disappeared, but for now as his steps took him closer and closer. John was set to die again.

A few minutes later, John stalked through the airport. His face had become blank, staring down anyone that came into his line of sight. He didn’t want to deal with this, he had just gotten wrapped up in a place he never wanted to leave, with someone that didn’t want him to leave. Now as his sister come into his sight, beaming at the sight of her brother. Martha was the only one who ever had any clue. She opened her arms and ran to him, his father’s shouting for Martha to get back here just noise to his ears. 

But stepping into Martha’s arms was entrapment once again, compared to the freedom Alexander’s arms had gave him. John wasn’t John anymore, he could feel the girl creeping out, the southern drawl sticking in his throat like a layer of hot wax. Every word he was saying burned his throat, not that he cared about lying - he had been doing since he was thirteen. Lying about being a girl. John didn’t want to lie anymore, lying makes a person look bad. He wanted people to know him for who he was, he didn’t want to lie about it. John would lie to get there, but he didn’t want be dishonest once he got there. 

John opened his eyes once his head was rested comfortably on his sister’s shoulder. Martha was running her hands on his back, patting him and he could feel her smile. “Oh Jack, I don’t know what overcame him. He demanded we come and see you. I’m sorry, you must have been so happy until an hour ago.” She whispered into John’s ear, making sure their father didn’t hear as he approached the reunited siblings. Herding the younger children with strong hands again their backs, by the look on Mary’s face the ‘guiding’ hand was too harsh like fire against her back. Their father had never been a gentle man, but John couldn’t let him be as destructive to them as Henry was to him. 

“Jacqueline, I’m glad to see you. What have you done to you hair though? It not very _feminine_.” Henry didn’t notice the poison that laced his words, John wanted to scream because his hair wasn’t supposed to be feminine to begin with. What he wanted was his family to accept him though, and if that meant keeping himself disguised at Jacqueline that is what John had to do. 

“It’s more practical. Long hair gets caught on everything and it was a change. I like it dad.” John spat back, trying to control himself as he embraced his sweet siblings. Mary’s fists banging against his chest, yes reminding him of the masses there, but when he looked down at her she gave him a yawn. In the two since he had left, Mary had lost her first tooth. And John grimaced a little as he picked her up, her head plopping down on his shoulder. Her eyes closing. He was practically Mary’s mother and in two weeks he had missed her first tooth, what else was he going miss as they grew without him around. John pulled Mary closer to him, Henry glared at him for pulling Mary tighter. John only glared back, he was going to protect his little sister from him, and John needed his father to know that. 

“You can have a nap Mary, you should have been in bed hours ago.” It wasn’t a lie, as John whispered into her hair and pressed a little kiss to her head. Mary was five years old and she wouldn’t have been allowed to sleep on the plane.

“Well I don’t like you hair, you should grow it out again. I’ll pay for you a set of matching hair extensions until then.” Henry still so desperately needed to manipulate his daughter, but John couldn’t deny his father’s love. He was just wrong in showing it, he always had been - when in reality Henry wanted what was best for _his daughter_. Henry just didn’t understand that he had a son, not a daughter and that any amount of money and abuse of his status couldn’t secure John’s future. 

“Enough about my hair, it is what it is. Where are you guys staying? I’ll help you there.” John tried to change the subject, holding Mary up with one hand, grabbing his father’s suitcase and wheeling it along with the other.

* * *

Alexander was done with distractions, that’s what this situation with John was. He had to be independent to get anywhere, to survive, to succeed. He couldn’t avoid, his son, but he could avoid John - couldn’t he? There was no denying they wanted each other, Alex needed to satisfy his urges the endless lust that drove through him. The lust he was trying not to present to John, he wanted to be gentle - he was consciously trying to be, but it was so hard when John was there.

How could Alexander forget the meeting he had in the morning though, it was one am, and he still hadn’t slept and this could be the most important career changing moment of his life. He held the two pills in his hand, he couldn’t wait for them to dissolve. He couldn’t be bothered to wind himself down with the relaxing sound of fizzing in the glass. He swallowed them dry - they would do the same thing maybe even quicker. 

He was going to meet George Washington tomorrow, the man who had been Commander of the Army during the Iraq War. A man who despite his own insurmountable and unmatchable achievements and talents was somehow impressed by Alexander who used a pen for his weapon and made it work. Washington had medals and ranks and the adoration of America to go with it, what could he possibly want with Alexander. Just a bastard, orphan and son of a whore - something he was constantly being reminded of. 

It had been almost a month since Alexander had booked the appointment with General Washington, after extensive phone calls with George praising Alexander. Alex had decided he was going to take this, that he couldn't throw away his shot, he wouldn't let Aaron Burr control him for the rest of his life. Yes the law firm belonged to Hamilton, but Burr was the better lawyer, Burr won the cases and Burr made the money. So Burr was in charge. Alexander wasn't going to let that happen, he was insatiable - Alexander always had been.

 _He will never be satisfied_ Angelica had told Eliza after the first time they met, and it was true. The only way he could even begin to satisfy himself and fulfill his lust for power and success was to break free from the chains of law. That was why he had to meet with Washington, the Editor in Chief of the New York Times, if he could take a drastic career change from Army General to Journalist to almost politician. Alexander could become a full time journalist under his tutorage.

Only John had come along and turned the whole thing on its head, he had completely forgot about this entire thing until he seen the note on the fridge. Yes Alexander needed this opportunity, but he felt like now, he needed it less. His thoughts had become consumed, it scared him. He needed his brain in a place of professional value, but it wanted to be with his family. Or the family he desperately wanted to carve and chisel with John and Philip and Eliza. 

Eliza, he had to include her in this somehow. Philip was her son, he couldn't be that selfish to him away. Alexander didn't want to lose his son to a man though, that would make him his own father. Who left for his own purposes. It didn't matter though, because before he could get too wound up like he always did. He drifted off into his fitless rest. A sleep he wished he could get into by himself.

***

He was awoken by a shaking on his bed, one that was starting to become common place just after dawn. “Philip, your papa wants to sleep. Please go back to bed for another hour.” Alex whined into the pillow, he couldn’t be bothered with this. He had been clever enough to book his appointment with Washington for the afternoon, just so he didn’t have to get out of bed before noon. However he hadn’t been planning on having Philip, who wakes up at 6am without being asked.

Without thinking Alexander reached with an arm to ruffle his son’s hair and push him off, hoping he would do what he was told. Instead, he was greeted by a larger than expected head of curls under his hand and suddenly ruffling seemed too immature. Alexander reluctantly flipped over and saw John with a baggy shirt and shorts trying to fit under the blanket they were apparently sharing now. 

“Oh John, I feel stupid now.” Alexander lowered his head with a sheepish grin, “I thought you were staying with your family.” 

“My dad forgot that I needed a bed, and my back really hurts. So I eventually managed to escape him.” John explained rambling about how he hoped this wasn’t awkward, and how his back hurt so he really couldn’t take the sofa for another night. Alex tuned him out in favour of watching his lips moved and how his hand fiddled with the pillow coverings. 

“Hey it’s fine. Philip will be awake soon, so I should just leave.” Alex said, sitting up and running his hand over John’s face, “What time do you need to be at work, I’ll make sure you’re awake.” Alexander smiled, his grin toothy and his eyes still filled with fatigue.

“I start at three, they have me on late shifts for a month.” John groaned, rolling closer to Alex, “Stay until Philip wakes up? I like your company” A bellow of laughter erupted at the last statement, because liking each other’s company was becoming an understatement. 

“Fine, but just until Philip gets up. I have to make him breakfast and drop him off with Hercules, I have a meeting today.” Alexander pressed his forehead to John’s and quickly pressed their lips together, “John, I know you wanna sleep, but what are we going to be, is this exclusive or what?”

“Not now Alexander, go back to sleep please. I think we should go on a actual date before we decide anything, okay?” John’s voice peaked, but his suggestion didn’t matter because he kissed Alexander anyway. No tongue, just a sweet kiss - their lips parting a little. They were both still so engrossed by each other and the warming sensation of the other’s hands that they didn’t notice the tiny man coming to sit at the bottom of the bed until he spoke. 

“Mama said you two would be kissing friends! She bet Auntie Peggy money about it, which mean my Mama gets money!” Philip laughed and slapped his father’s cheek. 

Alexander had a moment of panic before he and John parted, but then he surveyed his little family and with the addition of a certain set of sisters, it could be perfect. Him and John with Eliza to help bring up Philip, and his new job. Little did Alexander know this was the eye of the hurricane, and soon the warm fire they were kindling would turn into a wildfire to destroy it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this keeps getting further and further from my original plan and I know i'll turn it around sometime, but the angst train is really gonna start in a a few chapters (if not the next then definitely the one after. )
> 
> also i hate the fact i'm a slow writer, i really want to do this quicker for all the people who read this, but i have to put the speed and quantity into my homework and the quality into this.

**Author's Note:**

> all titles are from the song burn bright by my chemical romance
> 
> I'll try to update this once a week, but I cant promise anything until summer starts (July 7)
> 
> shout at me on [tumblr](http://kingroanofazgeda.co.vu) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/sophizoey)


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